Processing

I have a lot on my mind and weighing on my heart this week in regards to doing ministry. I'm not talking about the kind of ministry that comes with an official title or position. Or that comes through being married to someone who has the title. I'm talking about plain ol' church ministry that we're all called to be a part of. Discipleship. The building up of other Christians. The whole thing of being the Body of Christ. It's a wonderful, beautiful thing, and I love that we each get a part to play and have all been specially gifted for edifying each other and helping each other towards growth. What a special thing. I happen to love it. But I must say, there are times it gets really hard. It's a hard role to play in people's lives. You are putting yourself out there to be an example, and that requires a whole lot - constant confession and repentance when sin comes up in your life, a teachable attitude yourself, accountability, a true spirit of authenticity, and a servant's heart that puts you in a place of seeking how to help others in the first place. That doesn't come easily and naturally; we have to let Jesus give us that kind of heart. It certainly isn't what mine is like on its own. But another part of discipleship that is challenging is the willingness you have to have to speak truth in all situations. To share God's words on a situation. To proclaim His way as better than our own. Which isn't too terribly difficult for some of us....until it is resisted. When people don't want to change and really don't want their thinking challenged, it gets incredibly hard to be obedient in sharing truth. The apostle Paul's words to the Galatians (in Gal. 4:16) resonate with me just a little right now, "Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth?"

It's so sad to see it happen. To see people get uncomfortable with the truth and decide to move on from it, slipping further away instead of climbing closer to where God wants us. Anyone who's ever been involved in ministry to people within the church knows that lukewarmness is a big deal. At least in our part of the world. In my experience, it's the biggest obstacle to overcome in ministering to people. To be used to help move people out of that and into real passion and love for God is quite a task. Honestly, lots of people are just wanting to stay right where they are. They want to get involved enough at church that they have good Christian friends, but that's really all they need church involvement for. It's a social organization, nothing more. They really want to be with people who think just like them so that they are never challenged to think differently. Or to live differently.My heart is breaking a little over this right now.

Now, I'm well-acquainted with lukewarmness myself. I've spent many more years in lukewarmness than I have in passion. And even now...almost eight years after I made a new choice to live more passionately for Jesus...I see that He's already made me different than I was, but I still struggle so much. I lack so much enthusiasm, passion, and obsession for Him. I need to grow in this. But I want to grow in this too. It's why I have people in my life to push me towards this kind of growth. It's why my deep friendships are with passionate people. People who challenge me. People who disagree with me and aren't afraid to tell me why but always do so with biblical support. It's why I am in community with other believers, on several different levels. It's why I love the church I'm a member of - that I can find people like that if I want to be around them. I'm just really sad this week that there are so many people avoiding those very relationships because they truly want to stay where they are. There are some who, instead of fleeing temptation as fast as they can, ask for clarification of the "lines" between godly and worldly living only so they can get as close to it as possible and not feel guilt or possibly not to have anyone confront them. Besides all the ways this way of thinking is detrimental to that person's spiritual growth, it also affects others, can infest a group and help others get "stuck" as well, and misrepresents Jesus to those who don't know Him.

So the issue becomes how to minister to these people. Jesus hates lukewarmness, but He loves people. I want to extend mercy, as I know very well I've been given it, and I want to love them so well that they stay within reach and are still in a place to have their hearts penetrated by truth. But what happens so often is that truth divides people. Truth offends. And we can't be afraid to share it when the Holy Spirit asks us to. The tricky part (if I had to do it on my own) would be to balance that mercy-filled patience for people with the call to encourage others' growth which sometimes requires more direct words or teaching. Thank God I don't have to figure that all out on my own! I need Him to just do that through me. And I need not be so surprised when the truth does offend. It's pretty much what the gospel is.

I needed to process this and redirect my mind towards truth, but I'll blog again soon - with more thoughts on recipe and meal ideas for company. Thanks for your responses on that! I'd love to get more recipes!!

What to Make When Company's Coming

I'm always looking for simple, fun ideas for preparing meals when we invite guests into our home. Joel and I feel strongly about the importance of developing hospitality in our hearts and putting it into practice long before we have an abundance to share from or have a completely-decorated home, perfect table settings, expert culinary skills, etc. I've found that many times people are blessed by that very incompleteness. While I've experienced blessing through many a people serving me out of the amazing skills, gifts, and wealth God has given them, I've also experienced times when those atmospheres of seeming perfection just served to intensify the temptation I was feeling to compare, complain, and struggle through my own issues of discontentment. I have seen where it does bless others - and yourself - when you don't wait to practice hospitality. (You know...wait until you have a nicer home, more money, prettier dishes, feel more confident in your entertaining skills, etc.) We just want to open our home, spend time building relationships, enjoy community, and seek to meet others' needs - whatever those may be. Sometimes people just need to hang out and enjoy a good time and easy discussion. Sometimes there are bigger problems in people's lives that they may be more willing to share with us over dinner in our home, giving us an opportunity to provide support and encouragement for their particular need. Other times we're caught off guard by how much our guests blessed us! So many great things happen when "church" also happens outside the church walls. We don't do this enough. Not as often as we've felt led. But it's an area in which we want to keep growing. So we choose not waiting to do it. And one of the ways we're working on that is in simplifying the endeavor of entertaining people in our home. We have several foolproof meals that we serve when having company over. We do branch out of this, of course, but when we find a meal that just works well for having others over, we aren't afraid to use it again. And again. And again.

Check out Southern Living's website for instructions on creating one of my new favorites, Lean Green Lettuce Tacos. I couldn't get the picture on my blog, for some reason. And I don't have time for that. So you'll have to go there to see it. I love the idea of serving the lettuce leaves in a glass bowl; it makes it so much prettier!

I recently made these lettuce tacos, and it was a hit at our house, so I'm thinking I will make this in the near future when we have someone over. When I do cook a meal for someone, I like to choose things that provide lots of fix-ahead flexibility. This is because my crazy children tend to surprise me with certain needs right at cooking time. So we choose menus that don't limit us to doing all of the cooking in the hour right before guests arrive. That way we're not rushing around desperately trying to get ready at the last minute, dealing with unexpected interruptions or delays. I'm not a good multi-tasker, so this is an important one for me.

We've also gotten creative with what entertaining looks like, and I highly recommend this. Especially when you have a budget to consider. Sometimes it's not about serving a big meal. Sometimes it's just inviting a family over for homemade ice cream and sundaes on a summer night, after we've all eaten dinner at our own homes. We love doing this with our family friends who have kids, and we just throw them in the backyard to play, or we all go outside. Hosting outdoors definitely cuts back on some of housecleaning efforts in preparation! Because Joel and I are currently leaders of a rather large community group at our church, we find that it helps us to usually have two or more couples over at a time. And we feel fine asking people to bring something. They usually ask anyway. But definitely make it a group effort! Maybe it's a bring-your-own meat cookout scenario. We love doing this! Especially with larger groups. Or you can have grill-your-own-pizzas night. My friend Shelly and her husband once invited our family over for this, and it was an idea that I tucked away in my mind to use in our home. (I copy and steal ideas from people all the time.) Ask your guests to bring one or two pizza toppings to share and you provide some more, then prepare the dough (recipes for this are all over allrecipes.com) and everyone can pile up their personal pizzas from the plethora of topping offerings, and you grill them for everyone.

And in the next few days, I'll share some more recipes I love for entertaining. But please, please help me out. Let me know your best simple meal plan for hosting others (simple is essential for this girl) in the comments section. I wish I had more readers and we could do one of those fun linky things, but alas, I'm not that popular. So, do you have a favorite go-to meal you like to serve guests in your home?

God of Variety

There's a Bible study class we attend on Sunday mornings at our church, and I just can't get it off my mind this afternoon. Our discussion today, like most Sundays, was very rich. Everyone was engaged. We were all learning from each other. And it seemed we were all experiencing conviction. The difference with this particular group than a lot I've been a part of is that next Sunday, there will be people in there who ask you if you put into practice the truth of which you were convicted the previous Sunday. It's hard. And so good. Today, the teacher wrapped up the discussion a few times, yet people kept sharing more. Bible study just wouldn't end. And it was one of those moments you just knew it wasn't supposed to. God was still convicting hearts and enlightening minds to truth. And I liked it. Enough to cry about it. =)

I was overcome with thankfulness for this particular hour I get to spend on Sundays with that unique, sometimes even random, group. And I'm grateful that God doesn't show up just when you're with your like-minded, similar friends. When He shows up through the differences of the people studying Scripture together, it creates such beauty. Unity becomes something much more powerful. And the whole concept of unity immediately seems simpler than it was. When I'm with that group, it's like a whole piece of God's character that I paid little attention to before is suddenly clearer in focus. His heart for mosaic-type worship bears heavier on my own. When you build relationship with those people with whom you may never otherwise interact with, if not for your shared love of Jesus, you receive glimpses of God's character that can overwhelm, inspire, and even startle you. The thing bonding you is HIM. The power that is available for unity is quite a gift. I'm just a little shaken by it today. And it makes me think a lot about what my reasons and motivations are for seeking and being in community with others in my church.

What a blessing it is to be a part of a group that brings passion, authenticity, and variety to the table! These people in this class sure bring ALL of that. And God uses it every single week. I really do think it's important to not limit our relational connectivity within the church to only those in our same age group/life stage. We're always gravitating towards those like us, and while it's good to be in community with those we match up with in terms of season of life (there are lots of benefits there too), it's really refreshing to also connect with people, whether through studying God's Word or through service of some kind, who bring such diversity in perspective through different backgrounds, ages, personalities, and experiences. It makes me a different girl. And today I'm just thinking a lot about how much I love that God loves variety.

Remembering

Periodically, our church does these initiatives called 28-Day Experiments. A small booklet of 28 brief, devotional-like readings is published, and families within the church can read through the booklet in their homes. For 28 days. All together. They're pretty neat. Each one that has been produced takes a different focus. Currently, we are doing a 28-Day Experiment entitled "Catalyst - Becoming Agents of World Change." We're one week into it, and this particular one is excellent. Much of its focus is on our own church's missionaries who are serving in various places, but it contains daily snippets of truth about God's design for our personal involvement in supporting these fellow believers and church members serving elsewhere. But it's far from typical.

I mostly grew up in churches that I thought were mission-oriented. But I'm hearing things now about supporting missions that I've never heard in my life. Things beyond the "Pray, Send, Go" options we've heard about. I'm being taught new truths about cultivating a heart for missions that reflects Jesus' own heart. And to be quite honest, I never really paid much attention to that idea before. Supporting missions seemed like an "extra" in the Christian journey. Periodically there would opportunities to do something along the lines of supporting missions, but when I happened upon them, they always seemed to fall into one of the following categories: praying for missionaries, supporting them financially, or taking an occasional trip to provide physical help. I never really looked at the whole issue in a comprehensive way. I never sought out what Jesus' heart for supporting missions looks like and ALL the ways it could be developed in my own heart. That has been changing throughout the last several years. Despite being a slow learner on this stuff, I am grateful to be in process.

One of last week's readings, written by our global outreach pastor, Steve Rumph, really convicted me, and I'd love to share it here:

"I'm still impacted by a Grace Community missionary's answer to the question I posed to her in 2002, 'What's your greatest concern about heading out into the field?'

Her response was not at all what I expected. I expected something like, language problems, health issues, financial support, or dangers for children.

What Serina Hollowell said with genuine emotion was, 'We are afraid you will forget us!'

The first missionary also mentions how important it is to be remembered as he wrote: 'Timothy has come to us from you...and reported that you always remember us kindly and long to see us, as we long to see you.' (1 Thess 3:6).

Could it be that what comforted the Apostle Paul 2,000 years ago, and Serina Hollowell today, should be of real importance to us?"

I had completely missed this concept in Scripture. Now I remember reading these sentiments from Paul, but it never connected with me how important it is that I remember to remember those who have left here to go where they are. Doing so is another way I can become more like Jesus. It's biblical! How hard is remembering? It should be easy. But I get distracted. I get caught up in my own little world and forget about others' circumstances. Later that same day I read this, my sister-in-law randomly mentioned to me something about almost deleting an email newsletter she received from a girl she knew a long time ago who was serving as a missionary in a country overseas. She was about to trash it without reading it when she suddenly was stopped by the thought that she was put on that newsletter distribution for a reason and was meant to read it. She was telling me this because she was sharing how blessed she was by reading this girl's testimony. In some way, it filled her up that day and pointed her more towards Christ. I got chills from experiencing further conviction from the Lord on this topic. Two nudges from the Lord, on the very same day, through two different sources. Hmm...

As Joel and I attended a missionary support team meeting last night for a couple in our community group who is leaving this week to head back to Africa after a 6-month respite in the States, I was reminded of the timeliness of God's nudges. When He speaks, it's for a reason. And when He instructs, there are always opportunities to obey. I want to remember to remember people and their needs. There's so much I have to learn.

Serving Like Jesus, Part Two

I started a post a couple weeks ago all about how nice it feels now that the big wedding is over to have a cleared calendar (ha!) and no major time commitments hanging over my head, and then I wasn't able to finish it because my days been so occupied. Funny how that works. I was thinking this morning about that though and realizing how right that probably is. I think God works that way. Sometimes we need to free ourselves and our schedules up enough to be ready for whatever He wants to surprise us with. I really believe He clears our calendars only to fill them back up with what HE wants us to be doing. The disciplines of solitude and stillness are vital to the Christian journey, but in Scripture you always see Jesus' times of solitude followed very closely by opportunities to serve people. His very last one of these times alone with the Lord (and a quite intense one, I might add) took place right before He went to work for us on the cross. It should be the same for us, that those quieter times are always about heart preparation for the action that is to come. We are all led to different actions, of course, but I think God is pretty clear with us about what the life of following Christ really should look like (Matthew 10:38-39, Mark 10:43-45, 1 Peter 2:21, John 21:17, Luke 19:10). I don't think He ever intended it to be all leisure. Our lives are clearly intended for purposes greater than ourselves, so it shouldn't be all that surprising that God wants me busy enough to be impacting lives and modeling Him. But I admit, sometimes I'm surprised by it. Sometimes I just plain forget what He wants from me. Just as I can crowd out His plans by making too many of my own and filling up my schedule too fast and staying busier than I need to be, I also find that I pridefully congratulate myself during those times when I have cleared my schedule - only to be hit with the conviction that I've cleared it for me and my own agenda and relaxation. I've found that any decision or effort or action can easily slip into the form of an idol. What a delicate line there is between unnecessary busyness and just plain idleness. I find that I can slide so easily between the two without even realizing what has happened.

I do think that the balance is found only through daily surrender and readiness. And I want to get there. I want to wake up each day with a real desire to serve wherever I'm needed, regardless of what it is. I want to daily have that attitude that is seeking needs that the Lord desires to meet through me. From what I've seen so far in Scripture and in studying Jesus' example of servanthood, just being willing to have my plans changed isn't enough. That flexibility is a good thing, and I would like to see that more consistently in my life. But I'm starting to understand that it wouldn't be enough. A heart wouldn't look like Jesus' in this area if I wasn't being more proactive in directing my day's activities towards others and their needs. Am I making His plans my own in the first place? Am I actively trying to seek out ways to serve?? I don't think I want to answer that out loud.

So, yes, I have been busy the last few weeks. But a different kind of busy. I don't have long-terms plans or those big events you put on your calendar way in advance and anticipate for a long time before. Nothing wrong with those, I just don't have any of them right now. It's a weird place to be. I don't remember ever being in this place actually. Most of my married life has been filled with a lot of anticipating, planning, and expecting of children to be added to our home, and now that I'm not looking towards that (for the first time ever!), I'm in more of a day-to-day living, not knowing what's next in life, type of place. Things are just happening day by day. And what I'm finding is that when you do live more in the present and you are actively pursuing how you can be used "just today" every day, amazingly, He uses you!! There are a lot of needs around us right now. Lots of really heavy needs. It can get overwhelming, honestly. But it's definitely driven me to spend more time at Jesus' feet, finding refreshment there. Prior to these last several weeks, my time in the Word had become more task-oriented than relationally-driven, and these random serving opportunities around me are certainly pushing me out of that dryness as I'm learning that spiritual activity not motivated out of love is NOT going to produce what is needed for me to be able to do all this stuff and serve like I'm called to! But I've always been a slow learner with these spiritual lessons. Oh, the patience of God.

Another blessing this "new" busyness has brought is that it's caused me to reexamine what God wants for me, in terms of personal ministry. I've been seeking direction on where to serve? Who do I serve? What gifts do I use where? Am I neglecting my gift? Am I using it where it's most needed? When opportunities to minister and serve others are popping up all over, you realize quickly that you can't do it all. You have to decide what are the best things to be doing and stick to them. And only the Lord can show me what those are for me. So I've been in a refining process concerning those things, and I am excited because I feel like God is really speaking to my heart about these questions I have. He's giving me glimpses into what my main focuses of ministry should be right now, both day-to-day and in those situations where some longer-time commitments are necessary, and I'm getting excited about the new things to come! I'm still in conversation with Him about it, so maybe I'll share more about where He's leading at a later time. But I am reminded that it's less about the details of serving than it is about the heart of serving. Sometimes I try too hard to understand spiritual gifts. It can get really confusing trying to figure all of that out - what our gifts really are, natural abilities vs. spiritual gifts, when exactly the gift comes, etc. The Bible isn't especially clear about all of it. But the Bible is clear on the importance of intentionally serving. The goal of following Christ doesn't come without practical guidance and lots of examples from His life. So, to me it seems like God is more interested in me just doing it than in me understanding all of the hows and whys of it. I think as I obey the call to serve, He will reveal more of what I need to know about it. But for some reason, I've spent most of my life trying to know more about it so that I can do it. The problem with that is that I end up not doing it a lot.

So I'm in transition, and I don't know what life is going to look like tomorrow. Or even later today. And it's weird. But it's really good too. I'm ok with it. I've never quite lived like this before. And no doubt my natural tendencies will pull me towards selfish living every single day. I'm just hoping that writing about it now will compel me a little more to put it into action, and I hope I come out looking just a little more like Jesus.

This Boy I Love

playing with cousins Nathan and Maggie:
Well, Jonah is growing into quite the sweet big brother. Life with him right now is really fun! He's fascinated with animals still, but here in the last few weeks, he's not been playing with them imaginatively like he had been doing every day for months and months. He's super interested in learning about them though. As we're nearing his fourth birthday, I'm really seeing pieces of the fun to come! I think I'm going to like age four! He's been really sweet lately. Once he got past the three and a half mark, things have been going a lot smoother. I definitely think his temper is his biggest issue, but, thankfully, we've been seeing it come out less often the last few months. That's not to say it doesn't still come out at times! But less often is great with me. The Lord knows I've needed some glimpses into the fruit of training, and there have been some great glimpses here recently! Earlier this week, as I was buckling his carseat, he reached out and hugged my neck and said, "I love you, Princess Mommy." I almost died. I'm so in love.

I told Joel this week that I'm just now starting to feel like a mother of two. Not that this past year hasn't had its share of parenting craziness. It has. But Parker is just now on the verge of being a real little person in our family! Up until now, her needs have been those basic babycare needs. Now her personality will be blooming, and we'll be gaining insights into what her strengths and weaknesses are and where she'll need the most direction. It's hitting me now that I have TWO hearts to shepherd! Two little people to not just keep alive but really parent. It's going to be so interesting around here in the coming months! But I really am excited about it. And to see how Jonah and Parker's relationship grows through these months of learning to really live and play together and get along. It will surely have its bumps, but I'm ready!

This weekend is the big weekend - my cousin Lacey's wedding. It's busy around these parts. The festivities will not only be physically exhausting on all four of us, but it is very emotional for me too. These weeks leading up to it have been tiring, but they have been a joy as well. I've been so grateful to have a place in this wedding, to love on my cousin and serve her as best I can. It really has been a pleasure. But I think we might be crashing this time next week! My biggest concerns are that I don't cry my head off up on stage during the ceremony and that Jonah goes down the aisle like he's supposed to without causing a disturbance of any kind. He will be with his cousins. And he will have a bell in hand. That's enough to terrify me. This would not be a good week for anybody in our family to get sick either, so I'm really praying against that. Below is a picture of me and Lacey at a wonderful, fun shower for her and Ben last weekend in Athens, and the other picture is of the ugliest, tastiest cupcakes I made for a lingerie shower I hosted for her a couple of weeks ago.



On a different note, our family mission trip to Mexico has been cancelled due to the violence that's threatening and victimizing many along the border. While I trust God's involvement in this and am grateful for my babies to be protected from the danger, it is rather disappointing. It's a hard thing for me to grapple with - when you experience God leading you down a path only to find the road ends sooner than you expected. I know He knows the reason, and that's good enough for me. But I can't say I'm not sad about how things worked out. I'm definitely disappointed here.

Book Review - The Beautiful Fight

More on serving to come, but I just wanted to take a minute to write about a book I read recently. It's the best book in the Christian nonfiction genre that I've read in a while. Written by my favorite author, Gary Thomas, The Beautiful Fight details many of the components of spiritual transformation, delving into what seems like quite a paradoxical issue: We make choices to grow into holiness, yet the Holy Spirit is the One making us holy.

I started writing posts on various chapters of this book before, but I never posted them because I would read another chapter and think I'd post something on that one instead. Eventually, I finished the book and regretted not having shared something about each chapter as I read it. At this point, how do I summarize a book that is so full of helpful, practical truths about the transformation we're all saved by grace to experience throughout our lives? Thankfully, at the end of the book, there is listed a review of the main point of each chapter, so I thought I would share with you some of that review so you can know a tiny bit of the topic each chapter deals with:

• "First, we must gain a new vision for how compelling Christianity can be (chapter 1). We need a larger understanding of what it means to be strong 'oaks of righteousness' (Isaiah 61:3) for the display of God's splendor. Until we are captured by this vision, we won't let go of our old way of life.
• Second, we must grow in our understanding of what it means to be experience God and to be empowered by his Holy Spirit (chapter 2)...Instead of just knowing about God, daily experiencing God's power and presence must become an essential element of our faith.
• Third, we need to recapture the theological importance of the ascension (chapter 3). The ascension gives us hope that we can become more like Jesus is now and leads us to look at our bodies in a new way (chapter 4).
• This sets us on a journey of offering up our eyes to see as God sees (chapter 5), closing our eyes to what is against God, and opening our eyes to God's goodness and power. We also begin cultivating mouths that speak God's words (chapter 6) and embark on a life of active listening (chapter 7). We train our minds to think God's thoughts (chapter 8) and our hearts to feel what he feels (chapter 10). This leads us to offer up our hands and feet to be God's servants and to go to the needy and lost (chapter 9).
  
• With transformed bodies, we start living a life of intentional and conscious availability (chapter 11), motivated by gratitude and a desire to give God his due glory (chapter 12). Lest we grow weary in the Beautiful Fight, we remember the need to pursue perfection (chapter 13). Even though we'll never achieve perfection, the journey toward it keeps us from the snare of complacency.
• We'll face many obstacles along the way. The Beautiful Fight is certainly not an easy struggle (chapter 14). But when we submit and surrender to God, we accept the lessons we can learn from our disappointments, illnesses, and failures, trusting that God will use them to conform us to the image of Christ.
• On top of all this, we recognize the importance of being an active member of a Christian community (chapter 15). The Beautiful Fight is not a solo pursuit; we need to cultivate healthy, inspiring relationships - in person primarily, but also receiving inspiration through books and study to keep us from becoming too ingrained by our local culture and age.
• Finally, we recognize that while God is the force, power, and inspiration behind all of this, we have a responsibility to cooperate with his work and make decisions accordingly (chapter 16). We can put ourselves in places that encourage growth."

Thomas so eloquently answers questions that, I admit, have plagued me for a while. Questions about my role versus God's and questions about the end goal of perfection versus reality on earth and human nature. The chapter on community was extremely good. Being a small group pastor's wife, I've been privy to a lot of great teaching on the subject, but The Beautiful Fight's teaching of the subject was fresh and insightful. The epilogue had me in tears as I was overwhelmed by the comprehensiveness and precision of God's purposes for man on earth. I highly recommend this book. For part of the reading of this book, Joel and I read through it together, discussing various parts. I think it's helpful to read this with someone, to help pull out personal application opportunities. There are study questions at the back that would be suitable for small group settings and one-on-one discipleship relationships. But you can certainly read through it on your own too, just letting Jesus guide you in your understanding of His purposes for us on earth.

(Note: I've reorganized my reading list on the right side of my blog, and I plan to link those books mentioned to posts that I write in review of that book. I'll try to get to the others soon. I hope it will be helpful to some of you who are looking for a little reading inspiration!)

Serving Like Jesus

Last week, the staff wives of our church met together and each shared with the group what God is teaching us right now. What I shared that night had to do with some things God has been teaching me about servanthood. These truths He's been showing me have really convicted me. You see, I am not by nature a servant. I mean, I get that we are all selfish creatures apart from the Spirit of God in us, but I think some people's personalities and gifts, both natural and of the Spirit, lend themselves towards a more helpful, gracious, nurturing quality. That is not me at all. At all. Service is neither a natural nor a spiritual gift of mine! For most of my life, I've pretty much preferred to be served.

I have lots to work through right now. My thoughts about serving are being transformed, but I want it to go way beyond that. I want these truths fleshed out in my everyday actions. And I'm learning what a process that is. And also learning how gracious God is to me during my weak attempts at demonstrating His heart of service to those around me. I know this for sure: He is patient!

Several weeks ago, I spent some time thinking about what a widowed friend of mine is going through. I thought about what kind of loneliness surely hits someone in a position like that. I'm just speculating here, but I can't help but think that in some ways maybe her loneliness is intensified by the fact that she's spent her widowed life serving others so much and so well. I know she's made sure to stay in community with the Body of Christ and to serve WITH others, and I'm sure that's a big part of how God has provided for her needs and why she is ok right now even during a difficult time. It reminds me of the importance of bringing others alongside us into ministry and joining others in what they're doing to serve because we all need that partnership. It is essential. All over the place, Scripture testifies to the importance of teamwork when it comes to the gospel and discipleship. Isolation in ministry is the quickest path to burnout, in my opinion and experience. Anyway, I was thinking about how apart from those ministry-partner friendships, the real kind of service that God calls us to probably in its nature sets us up for real loneliness. That's because the real kind of service God calls us to isn't the kind where we get something in return. It isn't about serving those who can serve us back. Jesus ministered to those truly in need of healing. He ministered to the sickest of sick, the poorest of poor, the neediest of all. And none of them could do for Him what He had done for them. My friend has poured out her life, investing so many resources and so much time, to many people who are in a season of life where they are probably not able to reciprocate in meeting her needs. It may have compounded her loneliness in a way, but it has surely earned her great reward with the Lord for being a true servant. As I reflected on most of the serving I've done over past years, I confess that the majority of it has been done for those who reciprocate that same kind of service to me when I find myself in some kind of need. Please don't misunderstand me to be saying that loving on believers isn't good. Oh my goodness, that is not what I mean. Investing in our friendships, regularly having couples from our community group over for dinner, hosting and attending baby and wedding showers and the like for friends are all ways that I feel called to love on the people of my church. We should take care of each other and have a mutual interest as fellow Christians in loving each other. We're supposed to love on each other in a way that shows Christian brotherly-love to be the best kind around. Jesus tells us so. Our love for one another in the church should point nonbelievers towards Christ.

It just shouldn't stop there.

If that's all the kind of serving I'm doing, I'm not living like Jesus. Who am I serving that I could never imagine paying me back? Who am I investing in that has needs that huge? As I began to think this through a few weeks ago, I realized that most of the people I've been serving are servants themselves and I could think of very few people I serve who aren't. Something's not right about that.

But it's just like Jesus to start showing me what my heart is lacking right before He brings me opportunities to practice that change. I've been amazed at the needs around me that He's allowed me to see this week. They are huge. Opportunities for serving like Jesus abound, I just need to open my eyes to it more often and abide in Him in such a way that my actions reflect His heart.

Random Things:

1.) My little girlie is getting quite big.




I tell her every day that she's not allowed to do big girl things, and she attempts them anyway. She's so disobedient like that. I'm feeling her "babyness" lessen every day. I'm not liking it, yet I'm also getting glimpses of the fun to come as she is blooming a little more personality. Not that there's much personality yet. When Jonah was that age, I could list all these qualities of his personality as a baby that ended up ringing true for who he was as a toddler and pre-schooler. There were just these obvious things....his laid-back attitude, his ability to focus intensely on something, his attention to detail, his observant nature, etc. I can't tell you a thing about who this girl is going to be! She's mostly quiet and happy, but she also has this penchant for drama that shines through at random times. When it does, she can be quite expressive. She's not saying any words. (Surprise, surprise. She's at home with me and Jonah all day. Who could get a word in edgewise?) I've been thrilled with her eating. I think our baby food days are numbered. She's loving table food. One day last week, she ate a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch and had steak, potatoes, and corn for dinner. I was so happy! This one's an eater! I tried taking more pictures of her and of Jonah, but my camera has been giving me so many problems, so these are all I've got. (I'll get some of Jonah soon and be sure to update you on his little life as well in another post.) My sweet husband went today and bought me some fancy new batteries with a fancy new charger, and these things are supposed to make my photo-taking life easier.

2.) This has been a hard week. But it's been such a good week too. Every single day has brought reminders of the newness of the Lord's mercies (Lamentations 3:22-23), and I am so thankful for that. I've been able to spend quality time and have quality conversations with my sweet friends this week, and it's just what my heart needed. I didn't know it's what my heart needed until the Lord so graciously gave it and allowed it to be healing.

3.) I bought my first pair of Spanx this week, and I'm kinda sad about it. I knew about gravity and all, I just didn't know these things would happen in my twenties. I also just realized that I'm starting to really like shopping at Steinmart. I'm pretty sure I'm old now.

Heavy

My heart is heavy right now. I am burdened for someone I care so much about, and I have done all I can do to help this person. I pray that she'll want help. As of now, she's walking down a very destructive path and doesn't see that. It may be that she just doesn't care. But I'm hoping that it's because of how blinding the process of sin is, how it takes us one step further away every time we say yes to it and we aren't usually aware of how many steps away we've taken. So I'm praying for enlightenment, for the Spirit of God to make truth plain and clear and for her heart to really hear it. To have to confront someone is awful. And costly. I very well may have lost a relationship that I am not wanting to lose. But it had to be done. Someone had to speak truth. And I've actually known for years it would be me. I've dreaded it. I thought I had done all I needed to do. A couple months ago, I talked with her and hoped I was done. Rather than the conversation being confrontational that time, it was more of me asking thought-provoking questions. And her giving all the right answers. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, assume that they mean what they say and are in the place they say they are. But too many evidences show that she didn't and she's not. And I just shared with her last night what I see and how concerned I am, and my pleas to be convinced otherwise were mostly met with silence. Truth was responded to in anger and defensiveness, not surprisingly really, despite my best efforts to convey love. I'm scared of the consequences she'll face if she continues down this road of playing games with God. He won't accept that much longer, I'm afraid. Really afraid. Actually, I'm not so sure anymore that this is about "restoring a (sister) caught in sin" (Galatians 6:1). The silence I received on the subject of Jesus causes me to wonder if she is really His, and that question is absolutely heartbreaking to me. I did what I felt God asked me to do. But the enemy is full of accusations towards me, and I'm battling lots of lies. I'm thankful for the sweet (night owl) =) friend who listened to me pour out my feelings after the confrontation last night, received my tearful, trembling "processing" and affirmed and reinforced Truth to me. And I'm praying, praying, praying. Praying for her heart. Praying for all those things I've not really wished for her, like brokenness. Praying that the truth of whatever God allowed me to share with her, though not done perfectly so, will penetrate her soul and will act as the seed that will sprout transformation. His transformation of her heart. I'm so thankful He's in the business of doing that. And I'm thankful that I know Him and have tasted of that myself. All I can do is pray and continue to show love, even with the expectation that my love may not be received anytime soon, or ever. God has given me love for her, so I know that agape will endure. My part will be to keep tapping into that. Every day.

Our Mexico Adventure

We've decided to go on a family mission trip this summer to Mexico. All four of us. We're really excited. There is a large group of families from our church and several other churches here that go every year for a week to a Mexican border town and do ministry at an orphanage there. Within the group, there is a medical team, a construction team, and two VBS teams. We're not sure exactly what our role will be within those teams, but it is likely that I will be helping to conduct a VBS for children out in the nearby villages and Joel will be doing that as well or helping with construction. Tonight we are attending a meeting about it, the first one with all of the committed team members, so we're sure to learn more. This has been a dream of mine and Joel's to go on a mission trip together and to be able to take our kids with us, and I'm thankful for how God has led us to be a part of this team at this time. Now, it's just a matter of watching God provide for all that is necessary for us to make the trip, and I look forward to seeing how He works in these next few months to get us ready for the trip, which will take place from late June to early July. There will be a lot for us to watch for! A lot of stretching and faith-building opportunities are already underway. I want so much to respond in trust and expectancy rather than in anxiousness, fear, and faithlessness.

I'm especially excited to be able to spend time with children who live in this orphanage. For a while now, I feel that God has been drawing my attention to the plight of those who do not have parents to care for them. Very recently, He's been teaching me, through various avenues, to see and have more of His heart for orphans. And while I would say yes today to the prospect of adopting a child into our family if God asked, I recognize that He's not asking me that today. I hope He does one day, I really do. But for now, for many reasons, I have to assume that isn't the direction we're headed. But there is definitely a tug on my heart for the orphans in the world, both near and far. And it's been a struggle of mine to understand why that desire is burning and growing in me and it seems like, at least at this point, adoption is not meant to be for us. It's definitely an issue that I struggle with regularly. But now that we've decided to go on this Mexico trip, I'm getting glimpses of some of the "why"s and understanding more and more that there are a lot of ways that I can be a part of living out God's heart for the orphaned. Though it often includes adoption, it goes so much further beyond that. I'm seeing that mirroring God's heart for the orphaned is something we're ALL called to, regardless of the varied, individual ways we are asked to flesh that out.

James tells us, "Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." Caring for the needs of those two groups of people is something that, in a way, authenticates our faith in Christ. I want that to be true of me - that it's obvious that I follow Christ because of my compassion for those in need. I wouldn't say my faith has been marked by that at all. I'd say I've mostly lived a self-centered existence. God has been challenging me to live differently and to get passionate about helping people in need. And I know this opportunity in Mexico will be just that: an opportunity to face and fight through my selfishness, in order to live out God's love for the children we encounter. And for me to embrace the change God wants to do in my heart and accept more of what He desires to create in me. And to have His heart for orphans.

It's a beautiful love. The same Love responsible for my own redemption and adoption into God's family. I want to know and reflect more of it.

New Week

Last week was strange. Thank you to all those who prayed for little Brady. He's doing much better. We're so thankful he finally started to get well! He was really sick (temp was 104.5 when he went to the doctor last Saturday morning before being sent to the ER) and in such terrible pain for so many days. He's home now, playing and crawling around like usual, with nurses coming out daily to help with the care of his incision from having to have surgery last Monday to remove infection. The sweet guy went through so much. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be a parent of that child. What they went through watching their child in so much pain, not being able to do anything to bring him comfort, and then handing him over to doctors for him to undergo an operation, was awful. I have no firsthand experience of anything like that. This was the "closest" I've come to it. The most I've personally seen a child suffer. And I admit, it rattled me. I was struggling with it, talking to God about it but mainly in protest. It's impossible in the moment to grasp why something like that is happening and even more difficult to accept that you don't know. While I was not experiencing it as a parent and wouldn't dare want to sound like I'm comparing it, I could see clearly that the whole process involved surrender and that surrender doesn't come without struggle. You watch a baby not able to even sleep because of pain, for days straight, and you struggle. That's just the nature of our life as humans. But what really convicted me is that while I was wrestling through some of this, in praying for Brady, I was struck with the thought that God allows this to happen A LOT. Children suffer. Innocent babies live with very harsh circumstances. There are millions of them all over the world. Their pain doesn't let up. Babies who don't get to experience the blessing of good medical care. And it's so easy to get all fired up about it when it's my nephew and my family going through it, because, of course, I love them so much. But how worked up do I get about all of the other suffering in the world? Not enough. Not enough to really look like a follower of Christ. Honestly, not even once a month for me. I rarely even look at the needs of the suffering, poor, sick children in the world, let alone get so passionately compassionate for them that I talk to God about it like I talked to God on behalf of Brady last week. Except for some specific times God has confronted me with the suffering of the world in a way that left me no choice but to take action, I don't wrestle through it in prayer, I don't carry that burden. Most often, I ignore it. And I'm really being convicted about that. There's been a new thing stirring in me. I don't know what. Something. Something that makes me want to do something.

Last week was such a blur. I didn't do many of my regular activities. I was pretty checked out. So today starts a new week, and it's back to all of the normal stuff. It's weird how those abnormal weeks just hit you by surprise. I want to be better prepared for those when they come. I feel behind. And I wish I could stay ahead of the course more often so that surprise weeks like last week don't throw me so far off. But I'm getting back on track this week. And there's lots to do! Oh, and I have lots to say, so there will be more new posts coming soon!

Two Places at Once

This weekend, Joel and I were blessed to be able to attend Family Life's Weekend to Remember conference again, and I am overwhelmingly grateful. I'm in love with my husband. I have more to say about that and how energizing this conference and weekend getaway was for us. But that post will have to wait. There's a lot going on right now. I was refreshed in so many ways this weekend, and, in some ways, that is still the case. But I also feel completely drained. We cut our trip short a little bit due to a difficult family situation. My nephew Brady has been hospitalized since yesterday morning with a staph infection on his lower abdomen, and he is very sick. This has been hard. He's in a lot of pain. It's heavy. And scary. And difficult. What I'm going through is nothing in comparison to what Brady's mom and dad are experiencing right now as they wait for him to get better, not able to comfort their baby at all. But still, I am exhausted physically and need a fresh supply of energy in order to be helpful with taking care of Nathan and Maggie tonight and tomorrow. I also really need to spend time preparing for my Bible study class this week, and I'm really unsure when that will happen. Frankly, it's not where my head is at all. It's occupied with praying, thinking about Brady, and doing all the things that need to get done in order to meet everyone's needs. I know that when I find that time for study, it will be good. It will be just what I need. I'm yearning for it. But I just don't know how everything is going to fall into place the next few days. And I'm really sick with sadness over what Brady is having to endure right now. I'd love some prayers.

Brokenness

Our Bible study on Hosea is going great. (By the way, our other class registrant was able to join the class after all, and God's mix of ladies in there is just beautiful.) Yesterday's discussion was on brokenness, specifically the pictures given to us in chapter two of Hosea to illustrate how God will often lead us into a wilderness experience of some kind to get us to realize our need for Him. It can be pretty painful. The things God describes sound pretty harsh (strip her, make her thirsty, build a wall against her, punish her, etc.), and it's easy to first think, "I don't want to be Gomer!" But we've all been Gomer. And as you continue reading the rest of that chapter, you quickly see that God's "breaking" of us is always and entirely done in the context of His perfect LOVE for us. Yes, we have issues. And those lead to bigger and bigger problems. Namely, distance from Him and an inability to fellowship with Him in an intimate way. Ultimately, it's destructive. But He loves us too much to leave us at the mercy of our own efforts and plans in escaping those problems. He has solutions! He has answers! He has the gospel! We just don't always see that until we're in that place of brokenness where it hits us that we've done all we can do and our ways are just not working out for us. We realize what we're doing wrong. And we grieve that. But we also see who He is, and we see that who He is will always be enough. If brokenness has its way fully in our lives, we will get to the place where we agree with God and we go with His way over our own. And it will be GOOD.

The most beautiful part, however, is that He doesn't stop with stopping us. He offers us something more. Something grand. Himself. Verse 14 of Hosea chapter two tells us that He leads us into brokenness so that He can speak tenderly to us. Tenderly. He's full of sweet encouragement for us. (By the way, this past summer, someone shared with me that there's not one example in all of Scripture of God speaking harshly at all to a woman. Anytime He corrected a woman's sin, it was done gently and tenderly. Interesting. I'd never heard that. While I haven't studied that or thought through it exhaustively, I have to say I can't think of one instance in Scripture where that's not true. Amazing.) He has life He wants to give. New life, better life. The things He withholds from us in the midst of brokenness are returned to us as the new, improved gifts of God. An exchange takes place. The idols removed and a love-relationship restored to what it has always been intended to be: an astounding commitment of love that God makes to us. Hosea 2:19 says, "I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy." What beautiful committed love. How often I've held other human beings to that standard all the while missing how the Lord has met that perfectly. He IS the standard of love. Restoration is possible. Restoration happens. But I have a part to play. When I'm broken, I need to be listening to Him. I need to listen for His loving direction and His words of encouragement. He has things to say. Am I listening? And then verse 15 reminds of the second part of really listening to Him: am I responding to what He's telling me? Do my actions and my responses tell Him that I really want to hear from Him? Or do I merely go through the motions of hearing Him and then do whatever it is I want?

The most interesting part of this study time on brokenness has been how it challenges me right now. I so want to initiate the brokenness on my own. Often. Regularly. I want to grow to the place where I am continually purging myself of ME. Emptying out everything in me that is not Him and then letting Him fill me with Him. I want to start out my days in brokenness. I want to keep the brokenness there so that He doesn't have to take me there. Obviously, it's always Him working anyway. But what I mean is that I want to know Him so intimately that I recognize sooner when there is a need for me to be broken for some reason and I let go of my rope a whole lot earlier. And I want that to be a habit.

Just Thinking About Things

Just a little while ago I updated my facebook status that I needed help in teaching Jonah to control his temper, and within minutes, I had several encouraging comments and one long and really helpful chat with a more "seasoned" mom. She shared some real creative techniques for training in this area. One of them involves having him run laps to expel some of that angry energy! Can't wait to try that one. Well, yes I can. Obviously, I don't look forward to one of his rage explosions. But still, that will kind of be funny, I think, to see him run back and forth from one fence to the other in the backyard. I can just see it now, and I'm smiling. Anyway, it's on my mind tonight because I just feel so supported in this. When your child has major self-control problems, it's easy to either feel alone in it, or you feel togetherness with others but without solutions. I got me some answers tonight! And I'm liking that.

I also have Bible study on my mind. Today was the first day of a class I'll be leading for the next six weeks on the book of Hosea, and I'm thrilled to pieces about it. I just still get surprised sometimes when God does things totally differently than I expect. I knew my class would be small, only a handful of ladies, and I was excited about the intimacy level possible with that size group. One told me yesterday she couldn't participate because of childcare issues and a sick baby, and another one didn't show up today. The two people I'm "leading" are my sister-in-law and one of my closest girlfriends...two people I love dearly and respect in countless ways. Two people who teach me. I am beyond thrilled to spend time in the Word with these ladies, but I admit I struggled a little bit with the fact that I also wanted to really impact people who maybe weren't pursuing the Lord like these girls do. I get really excited about teaching people who aren't so much students of the Word on their own, and one of my main goals is to always help encourage other women to know Him through Scripture. That's just one of my main passions in ministry to women. I always want to be passionate and influence by way of sharing that passion with someone who might lack it. All of these things, of course, are things I can't do on my own, but that's the kind of vision I have for my personal ministry. So I think I had a twinge of disappointment that there wasn't also one person in the class that is a little more "needy" per se. Which may sound prideful. I hope not. I just had gotten excited about that possibility...I thought it's what God had in mind for how He planned on using me these next couple months. Just switching gears in my expectations now.

BUT. I am VERY excited about what God DOES have in mind for this class. It will be such a breeze to lead this class, not having to worry about personality dynamics and how that will affect participation (which is usually a teacher's main concern with these types of classes)! And oh so FUN. What's better than hanging out with your friends, talking about God and His Word?! It's a sweet blessing. I'll enjoy it. And I enjoy Hosea a lot. I'll learn a lot from these girls too.

But it just got me thinking about how skewed my perspective of true discipleship can get. It always works best when the multiplication concept is factored in. Why do I feel like I need to be the one always having the direct impact on struggling believers? Now that is pride, for sure. What happened to the notion that a true disciple makes disciples who make disciples?? I just was reminded of that today. How important it is that all three of us are led by the Lord into deeper love for Him so that we can help lead others through that experience as God wills those people into our paths! I just can lose sight so quickly sometimes.

So my brain has been running today. I've already started writing different posts in my head. Some of them are kind of bratty though. Like the one titled "My Least Favorite Church Excuse." I wonder if I should complete that one.

Time for me to shut off my brain and "veg" for the rest of the evening. I've been trying to implement a new discipline of getting up early 4 weekday mornings a week, and it's been helpful. I've gotten more stuff done, but boy am I tired when evening comes. I'm already cozied up in bed, ready to get caught up on The Hills (I know, I know! Judge all you want...) while my husband lays beside me reading more significant, helpful things such as The Ragamuffin Gospel and Raising Kids for True Greatness. With him doing double reading tonight, I should be able to zone out to Lauren, Heidi, and Audrina, don't ya think?

Mercy!

I told you before about the goals I'm striving to meet for the year, one month at a time, that is. Well, this month my focus has been on MERCY. It's something that has not come naturally to me all my life, and I recognize the need to be intentional about looking at others through Christ's eyes and not from my own self-centered perspective. You can't have His perspective on yourself and not want to show mercy to others! So that's one of the main heart work agendas God has going on in me right now. As I've thought about this, I've realized a few things:

1.) It's SO much easier to show mercy to people who show me mercy. The ones who don't...well, they're the more difficult ones to love in a merciful way. I know it's obvious, but I sure have seen where that's been true in my heart lately. I've shown major favoritism in my administering of mercy, and it's no doubt a result of my selfishness. Simple. Dealing with that favoritism will require a major shift in my expectations of people and my desires. Relationships cannot be about me receiving. I must look to be a blessing. And not be concerned with what I get in return. His glory should be my only goal.

2.) With these relationships in which it's more difficult to offer mercy, I must discipline myself to take intentional action towards doing it. I need a list. Simple action plans for going the extra mile in showing merciful love. And when I don't know what those actions should be, I need to be on my knees. God will always show me ways to love someone, if I'm willing to do it.

3.) In order to take action towards showing mercy, I need accountability. I'm blessed to have a friend who will ask me if I did the thing I said I needed to do. I'm not so sure I'd learn mercy otherwise. No. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't at all.

So, the best thing I know to do, along with these other things, is to remind myself of the grace I've been given. Grace that has offered me a new life. A new heart. A new mindset. Everything amazing about life (Ephesians 1:3-14). And it's all completely undeserved. Why would I not want everyone else to experience that grace gift too?!

The Madness Has Begun!

Yep, it's been busy. Just like I said it would be for the next couple of months. My brother's family moved in last week, and we've been over at their new house quite a bit the last few days. Between my dad's emergency room visit for a finger injury and my nephew Brady getting RSV, it's been a crazy few days in our family! Jonah is having a blast with his cousins! And I'm loving having more family in town. I'm a family girl, for sure. No question about it. This is fun! I squeezed in a little road trip Saturday to meet some college friends for lunch, and I was reminded just how healing laughter is. It's nice to have people in my life that I know when I spend time with them, I will leave feeling lighter than when I went. I will have laughed, been a little silly even, and not been burdened by a single thing for that period in time. I'm thankful for that. Feeling lighter feels so good. I was so physically exhausted before making that trip, but that time with them energized me greatly. So did the three+ cups of coffee I drank that morning. When I'm well-caffeinated, I get pretty fun, if I might say so myself. I have to keep up with my fun friends somehow.

Life has been full. And good. Our church is going through a series on prayer, and it's been really good for me. And challenging. You know how we all have our strengths and gifts when it comes to the spiritual life? Well, mine is not prayer. Never has come very easily or naturally for me. I've known for a long time that I need to address some of the issues I have with prayer, and God certainly thinks now is the right time. Our community group is going through study questions from the sermons on prayer, and Lisa, my mentor, approached me about looking at some of the apostle Paul's prayers during our time together the next several months. She didn't know yet about the sermon series on prayer. And I had that thought a while ago about studying Paul's prayers but hadn't acted on it yet. What timing. At this point, most of what I have learned has to do with examining my motives during and about prayer. I've been challenged to answer whether or not my prayers are centered on God receiving more glory? Are my prayers, and every part of my life, about making Him more famous? That's really what "Hallowed be thy name" is all about. I confess I typically skip over the reasons and just make my requests, and I'm learning that's been a big part of my misunderstandings about my prayers and how God answers. These are actually really big breakthroughs for me, and I'm excited about what God has in store as He's teaching me to pray. There's a reason for the timing of these lessons, I'm sure. Can't wait to know what it is.

Other than all of that, I've been busy with these two kids. Jonah's been requiring a lot more one-on-one attention, and I've been trying to have more focused play time with him lately. I love spending time with him, but I don't just love playing pretend animals all day. I'm learning to do it more often though, meeting him where he is and giving the kind of time and attention that is quality by his definition. It's been good. Except that my house isn't clean at all. You don't want to walk barefoot in my house right now. But something's had to go. Parker Jane got her first tooth this week on her 8 monthday (I can't believe she's less than four months away from being a year old!!), and I'm starting to try to give her more table food. I'm so over the baby food. It would be really convenient if she would just eat real food. Right now, she's learning what to do with it and doesn't keep the solid food in really well yet, but she'll get it soon. Her dexterity amazes me. She can easily pick up small finger foods and get them into her mouth. She just struggles to keep it in. Other things occupying my mind are several showers I'm helping to throw for friends over the next 6 weeks, Bible study starting next week, and figuring out how to get organized and manage my time well. Joel has accepted an assistant coaching position at a local school for their baseball team, and that will obviously require extra time on top of his other work responsibilities at church. He wasn't looking for this at all, but when approached about it, was really excited about the opportunity. And I'm excited for him. But it's going to make these next few busy months even trickier. We're having to really get scheduled and intentional with our time together. So, that's what my days are like right now. Oh, and 24 is back on. And oh. my. goodness. It is GOOD. Hour three may have been my favorite hour of all the seasons yet. Are you 24 fans loving this season like I am??

The Announcement I've Been Waiting a Loooong Time to Make:

My brother and his sweet family are moving back to Texas!!! Whoooohoooo! They'll be in our same town, and they'll be here next week. We are really excited around here!

Joel heads back to work today after a two-week vacation, and I'm feeling spoiled. It was such a good time having him home. I'm preparing myself for a harder day today...first day with Daddy not home and Jonah will most assuredly be attention-hungry with all that he's gotten used to over the holidays. Not only that, but Parker is sick, so giving that attention is going to be even trickier. We had to leave church early yesterday morning because she was throwing up in her nursery class, and she did again last night and ran fever most of the day. It was awful! We've taken her to the doctor last week and the week before because of ear infections that have hung on, and I'm sad that something else is going on in her little body this week. We haven't slept much the last several weeks, but oh well. We have no choice but to press on! And caffeinate well.
I realized the other day that the next several months may be the busiest I've had in years. My brother moving here will be the highlight of January and will also keep us pretty occupied when they get here with helping unpack, keeping kids while they're unpacking, and just plain enjoying their company. Then before the end of February, I will have hosted three showers for people. As a maid of honor in my cousin's wedding, I will be attending other showers with her and doing a number of things wedding-related, such as, for example, meeting her in Lufkin this weekend
to help address invitations. At the end of this month, I'll be starting to lead a Bible study with women at church for about 6 weeks, and this one is going to require lots of preparation still. There's a possibility of going to another Weekend to Remember conference in February which I hope to know about very soon. And then add in the regular activities and responsibilities...our small group, friends, all of the people in our lives having babies right now (there are so many!!), church events, etc. It's going to be interesting around here! I just am listing all of this to hopefully help me get in gear and get motivated to get really organized and stay disciplined with my time. It's all doable, I just can't have one lazy hour. Really, if I get behind at all, I think I will be extremely overwhelmed. Gotta practice discipline. But I think these are going to be a good few months! God has some grand things planned, I am sure of that. Has the new year brought about crazy-busyness for anyone else?? If so, join my club. I don't think it's overcommitment this time...I really believe I'm supposed to do all these things. I'm just not that energetic super mom that can get everything done so well. This will be a major time of having to seriously practice reliance on the Lord for a lot of things at once. I think it's no coincidence that the sermon series starting this month at church is about prayer and my mentor Lisa wants to start discussing prayer when we meet the next few months. I've known God long enough to know that He's getting ready to beat me over the head with this issue! And I welcome it! I like that this is how He works...it's so exciting to see Him so personally involved in my life and growth that He will orchestrate various things at once to teach me the same lesson.It's one of the sweet ways He expresses love to me in a personal way.

New Focus

I feel kinda sucked in to talking about New Year goals. It feels like it's what we're supposed to do on here, right? But I'm ok with caving to the pressure. I kinda wanted to talk about it anyway...

Last year, a close friend told me about her plan to prayerfully choose one word to describe the thing she most needed to focus on in 2008. I followed her lead. And the word I felt had been pressing on my heart for quite some time was "selfless," particularly pertaining to my marriage relationship. Well, I did not get very far into 2008 before being really challenged in this area! 2008 was the hardest year yet, but it was absolutely the BEST year. I can't even express how astounded I am by the things God did in my heart this past year in the area of learning to selflessly love. I've tried to say it a few times. Words haven't come. But I hope that one day they will! I was thinking about that new year's practice and wondering if I should do it again this year. It's not like I've mastered the selfless thing yet. If we get right down to it, I've really only taken baby steps. Do I add something else? Then I remembered that I'll always need to be adding things. I'll never really check anything off. So far in my relationship with Christ, I've seen that the more I grow, the more I realize I need to grow. The list of things to work on just becomes longer. And sometimes harder. When you see more of Him, you see more of yourself. The reality of your own heart comes under the light of His perfection and holiness, and you get a glimpse of His perspective on your sin. So...why act like it's strange to see more and more of the things I need to change in my life? It's what His sweet grace is for. And why would we need the Holy Spirit's power in our lives if it was just all a cakewalk from here to heaven? Of course I didn't master selfless. And I won't master any other virtues this year. It's going to be a battle. I get that. I also get that His loving, supportive GRACE is more than enough for the fight. Or climb. Or whatever you want to call it. I think spiritual growth is the only climb that brings you further down than where you started. And I'm learning to want that more and more. It's still a battle though. And now I feel confident to say that it always will be. Don't mistake me for saying I've lowered standards for myself. The only ones I want to adhere to are Christ's, and I am in this. I'm wanting growth. I just have accepted that it's an ongoing process. I know...y'all are thinking, "You're just now accepting that? That's Jesus-following 101. Basic." I've known it. But still struggled with not liking that it's true. Sometimes you just want to be the exception. I want it to be a little easier for me than the rest of the world. Ugh. Pride.

So, for my new focus for 2009, I'm picking a different word for each month. A word that inspires me to press on to live according to the convictions He's already given me in different areas. I only picked 10 so far because, well, God seems to like surprises. This way I'll go ahead and leave some room in my expectations for whatever He might have planned this year that I am clueless about. I'm going to list them here, but the details and context are just between me and Him. The application of some of them are obvious. But most are a focus word that will remind me of something He's placed on my heart and I will know exactly what context or relationship(s) they apply to.

Mercy
Content
Beauty
Others
Think
Words
Hungry
Frugal
Teach
Healthy

Now, who knows what focuses the new year will actually bring! But these words remind me of things that I know it's time to deal with and grow up in. I know fresh starts are available any day of the year, but there's something so fun about having a time of year that lends itself to a little more reflection about what changes need to occur. Maybe it's because others are doing it too at the beginning of the year that we have greater hope for our own changes. Now that I think about it, the community aspect of it might be what causes us to be better at believing it's all possible. Oh good. Now I don't feel guilty for "buying into the hype" of New Years resolutions that I kinda did when I first started this post. I'm glad I caved.

Moms are Amazing.

I know there are people who talk about Mommy Wars, competition among moms, etc., but that hasn't been my experience at all since becoming a mother. The women I've been blessed to be in company with (either physically or through the internet) are incredible women who love to help each other out on this beautiful, strange journey of motherhood. I see moms who jump to other moms' rescue when they see they are struggling, providing emotional support when needed, as well as providing perspective, empathy, escape, practical advice, prayer, or whatever is needed in that moment. Mom friends are so great. Everyone should have them.

So many of y'all have been so sweet to me this week with comments, email, and phone calls. I am appreciative. I have such a hard time admitting when things get so rough, but God knew I needed encouragement to press on (and to learn some new things) so I have no doubt that he sent you to be that for me. And it has helped! Tremendously! I feel reenergized! So thank you for your kindness.

One particular conversation I had this week was with my friend Kelli, and it was one of those where we were both talking to each other but really God was talking to both of us. It was an incredible moment. Those are the moments when I am overwhelmed with thanks for "heart friends" which I believe are one of the most precious gifts from God. During this phone conversation, I just came face to face with a couple things in my heart that need to be dealt with before I will ever see any kind of progress with how to handle this struggle of rage that Jonah has. I realized it is very hard for me to show mercy. I'm talking about letting a consequence go every once in a while. It's hard for me. See, consistency in disciplining my child hasn't been my problem. What has, however, been a problem is my tendency to overparent. And I think that's been fueling the battles of the will that I seem to be in with my son. Rather, I need to be showing him that we are on the same team! It's not about me versus him. It's all of us fighting a sin nature. And what I say to him and how much I say to him in response to his sin will contribute either to him feeling isolated from me in his sin or it will bring us into easier, more comfortable communication about it. I've been reading in Proverbs and taking note of truths that I believe can really help my response to this particular parenting struggle, and one recurring theme I've been seeing is how wise it is to use less words. I think I try too explain too much about it to Jonah. I overexplain it. I overemphasize it. He needs to be taught truth. Just maybe in smaller doses than what I've been doing. It's just been a little much for him. I can see that now. And as far as the whole mercy thing goes, I've watched some parents of older children put mercy into practice well. I know parents who will, from time to time, tell their children, "What you did was wrong, but you are getting mercy this time instead of a consequence from me." The truth is that God is intentional with his mercy. I believe He withholds what we deserve periodically so as to motivate us to do better. And probably for a whole lot of other reasons too. But mercy is there to correct us, for sure. I've seen this in play in my own life a bazillion times. And most times, I was incredibly slow to learn. I can't believe God kept showing me mercy. (One of those examples has been on my heart for a while to share through this blog, but it will have to be on a different post.) But the point is, God kept showing me mercy. The reason I think I've struggled in implementing the "mercy tactic" in my response to the times Jonah shows his difficult behavior is that I don't see him learning from it. It hasn't yet motivated him to do better. I haven't seen it work yet in his life. And if that doesn't sound like a control freak mommy, then I don't know what does!

Why can't I leave those results up to the Lord? I often tell Jonah that God's Word tells us that our sins will find us out, so that even if mommy or daddy doesn't see something you did wrong, God does and no sin will go without consequence. BUT... my actions give no room for that to happen. I don't leave any room for letting God deal with it. Even if it takes a long time for mercy to teach him and draw him towards the Lord, that's God's job to work out. I just need to be obedient to the times He puts it on my heart to just let it go and choose mercy instead of administering a consequence. And then I need to trust Him with the rest.

Those are a couple of my new revelations this week. Isn't it just like God to reveal stuff about the ugliness in our own hearts before revealing insight into the heart issues in our children?? It's never what I have planned. But it's so good. And needed. I want to open up my heart to His mercy and be enthralled by it more and more so that it's my heart's first inclination to show it to others, especially to my children. I want to grow to where administering the consequence gets to be the harder of the two, where I have to step way out of my nature of mercy to be obedient in disciplining my child. Wouldn't that be nice. These are the things I'm pondering and praying towards this week. Only God can undo some of this overparenting, and I expect Him to do it. I want Him to create in me an attitude and response to Jonah's sins that is not so overbearing that all it does is push Jonah towards the desire to get away with things and be sneaky. Instead, I want to create an environment in my home that facilitates open communication and easier confession.

I marvel at what God does through the friendships of moms. Celebrate it! Have you been blessed by those kinds of mutually-encouraging girlfriendships? Feel free to share what characteristic of those friendships (mom or not), has impacted and blessed you the most!

Oh, and speaking of friends, you can go to Ame's blog to see pictures from last week's cookie exchange.