Just Thinking About Things

Just a little while ago I updated my facebook status that I needed help in teaching Jonah to control his temper, and within minutes, I had several encouraging comments and one long and really helpful chat with a more "seasoned" mom. She shared some real creative techniques for training in this area. One of them involves having him run laps to expel some of that angry energy! Can't wait to try that one. Well, yes I can. Obviously, I don't look forward to one of his rage explosions. But still, that will kind of be funny, I think, to see him run back and forth from one fence to the other in the backyard. I can just see it now, and I'm smiling. Anyway, it's on my mind tonight because I just feel so supported in this. When your child has major self-control problems, it's easy to either feel alone in it, or you feel togetherness with others but without solutions. I got me some answers tonight! And I'm liking that.

I also have Bible study on my mind. Today was the first day of a class I'll be leading for the next six weeks on the book of Hosea, and I'm thrilled to pieces about it. I just still get surprised sometimes when God does things totally differently than I expect. I knew my class would be small, only a handful of ladies, and I was excited about the intimacy level possible with that size group. One told me yesterday she couldn't participate because of childcare issues and a sick baby, and another one didn't show up today. The two people I'm "leading" are my sister-in-law and one of my closest girlfriends...two people I love dearly and respect in countless ways. Two people who teach me. I am beyond thrilled to spend time in the Word with these ladies, but I admit I struggled a little bit with the fact that I also wanted to really impact people who maybe weren't pursuing the Lord like these girls do. I get really excited about teaching people who aren't so much students of the Word on their own, and one of my main goals is to always help encourage other women to know Him through Scripture. That's just one of my main passions in ministry to women. I always want to be passionate and influence by way of sharing that passion with someone who might lack it. All of these things, of course, are things I can't do on my own, but that's the kind of vision I have for my personal ministry. So I think I had a twinge of disappointment that there wasn't also one person in the class that is a little more "needy" per se. Which may sound prideful. I hope not. I just had gotten excited about that possibility...I thought it's what God had in mind for how He planned on using me these next couple months. Just switching gears in my expectations now.

BUT. I am VERY excited about what God DOES have in mind for this class. It will be such a breeze to lead this class, not having to worry about personality dynamics and how that will affect participation (which is usually a teacher's main concern with these types of classes)! And oh so FUN. What's better than hanging out with your friends, talking about God and His Word?! It's a sweet blessing. I'll enjoy it. And I enjoy Hosea a lot. I'll learn a lot from these girls too.

But it just got me thinking about how skewed my perspective of true discipleship can get. It always works best when the multiplication concept is factored in. Why do I feel like I need to be the one always having the direct impact on struggling believers? Now that is pride, for sure. What happened to the notion that a true disciple makes disciples who make disciples?? I just was reminded of that today. How important it is that all three of us are led by the Lord into deeper love for Him so that we can help lead others through that experience as God wills those people into our paths! I just can lose sight so quickly sometimes.

So my brain has been running today. I've already started writing different posts in my head. Some of them are kind of bratty though. Like the one titled "My Least Favorite Church Excuse." I wonder if I should complete that one.

Time for me to shut off my brain and "veg" for the rest of the evening. I've been trying to implement a new discipline of getting up early 4 weekday mornings a week, and it's been helpful. I've gotten more stuff done, but boy am I tired when evening comes. I'm already cozied up in bed, ready to get caught up on The Hills (I know, I know! Judge all you want...) while my husband lays beside me reading more significant, helpful things such as The Ragamuffin Gospel and Raising Kids for True Greatness. With him doing double reading tonight, I should be able to zone out to Lauren, Heidi, and Audrina, don't ya think?

Moms are Amazing.

I know there are people who talk about Mommy Wars, competition among moms, etc., but that hasn't been my experience at all since becoming a mother. The women I've been blessed to be in company with (either physically or through the internet) are incredible women who love to help each other out on this beautiful, strange journey of motherhood. I see moms who jump to other moms' rescue when they see they are struggling, providing emotional support when needed, as well as providing perspective, empathy, escape, practical advice, prayer, or whatever is needed in that moment. Mom friends are so great. Everyone should have them.

So many of y'all have been so sweet to me this week with comments, email, and phone calls. I am appreciative. I have such a hard time admitting when things get so rough, but God knew I needed encouragement to press on (and to learn some new things) so I have no doubt that he sent you to be that for me. And it has helped! Tremendously! I feel reenergized! So thank you for your kindness.

One particular conversation I had this week was with my friend Kelli, and it was one of those where we were both talking to each other but really God was talking to both of us. It was an incredible moment. Those are the moments when I am overwhelmed with thanks for "heart friends" which I believe are one of the most precious gifts from God. During this phone conversation, I just came face to face with a couple things in my heart that need to be dealt with before I will ever see any kind of progress with how to handle this struggle of rage that Jonah has. I realized it is very hard for me to show mercy. I'm talking about letting a consequence go every once in a while. It's hard for me. See, consistency in disciplining my child hasn't been my problem. What has, however, been a problem is my tendency to overparent. And I think that's been fueling the battles of the will that I seem to be in with my son. Rather, I need to be showing him that we are on the same team! It's not about me versus him. It's all of us fighting a sin nature. And what I say to him and how much I say to him in response to his sin will contribute either to him feeling isolated from me in his sin or it will bring us into easier, more comfortable communication about it. I've been reading in Proverbs and taking note of truths that I believe can really help my response to this particular parenting struggle, and one recurring theme I've been seeing is how wise it is to use less words. I think I try too explain too much about it to Jonah. I overexplain it. I overemphasize it. He needs to be taught truth. Just maybe in smaller doses than what I've been doing. It's just been a little much for him. I can see that now. And as far as the whole mercy thing goes, I've watched some parents of older children put mercy into practice well. I know parents who will, from time to time, tell their children, "What you did was wrong, but you are getting mercy this time instead of a consequence from me." The truth is that God is intentional with his mercy. I believe He withholds what we deserve periodically so as to motivate us to do better. And probably for a whole lot of other reasons too. But mercy is there to correct us, for sure. I've seen this in play in my own life a bazillion times. And most times, I was incredibly slow to learn. I can't believe God kept showing me mercy. (One of those examples has been on my heart for a while to share through this blog, but it will have to be on a different post.) But the point is, God kept showing me mercy. The reason I think I've struggled in implementing the "mercy tactic" in my response to the times Jonah shows his difficult behavior is that I don't see him learning from it. It hasn't yet motivated him to do better. I haven't seen it work yet in his life. And if that doesn't sound like a control freak mommy, then I don't know what does!

Why can't I leave those results up to the Lord? I often tell Jonah that God's Word tells us that our sins will find us out, so that even if mommy or daddy doesn't see something you did wrong, God does and no sin will go without consequence. BUT... my actions give no room for that to happen. I don't leave any room for letting God deal with it. Even if it takes a long time for mercy to teach him and draw him towards the Lord, that's God's job to work out. I just need to be obedient to the times He puts it on my heart to just let it go and choose mercy instead of administering a consequence. And then I need to trust Him with the rest.

Those are a couple of my new revelations this week. Isn't it just like God to reveal stuff about the ugliness in our own hearts before revealing insight into the heart issues in our children?? It's never what I have planned. But it's so good. And needed. I want to open up my heart to His mercy and be enthralled by it more and more so that it's my heart's first inclination to show it to others, especially to my children. I want to grow to where administering the consequence gets to be the harder of the two, where I have to step way out of my nature of mercy to be obedient in disciplining my child. Wouldn't that be nice. These are the things I'm pondering and praying towards this week. Only God can undo some of this overparenting, and I expect Him to do it. I want Him to create in me an attitude and response to Jonah's sins that is not so overbearing that all it does is push Jonah towards the desire to get away with things and be sneaky. Instead, I want to create an environment in my home that facilitates open communication and easier confession.

I marvel at what God does through the friendships of moms. Celebrate it! Have you been blessed by those kinds of mutually-encouraging girlfriendships? Feel free to share what characteristic of those friendships (mom or not), has impacted and blessed you the most!

Oh, and speaking of friends, you can go to Ame's blog to see pictures from last week's cookie exchange.

One of Those Days...

I have to admit, I'm pretty down today. These are the days I don't like to blog about. I resist it as much as possible because I don't want to be all negative. And much of the time, blogging is a tool I use to intentionally turn my focus to the positive. But that's not where I am today. And I know realness is good. So....this afternoon, my son had one of his loss-of-self-control episodes that may have been the worst one yet. His main character issue has to do with anger and losing control. He has an extremely strong will. I think most people don't believe that because the truth is that he doesn't exert it most of the time. But when he does choose to let it out, it's horrendous. Tantrum isn't the right word. It's way too soft. I can't explain to you the intensity of his screaming fits. This one today has made my head pound. It's rare for me to get a headache, but I have a bad one right now. Parker had just awoken at my mom's house and we had to leave right then to pick her up, so when this episode of Jonah's began, there was no way around having to leave the house. But in order to get him calm enough to get in the car to leave, I had to physically restrain him. And it was difficult. When he loses control, it's amazing how strong he can get. He's calm now and he's spending a considerable amount of time alone in his room this afternoon, but not a sign yet of real repentance. Not the teeniest bit of even regret.

And here's the deal: I know parenting is a process. I realize that with some children, seeing prayers answered will take longer than others and actually getting to repentance can take time. I get that my identity isn't found in whether we see evidences of our prayers and discipline sooner or later. I understand that he's three and I can't expect him to be a spiritual giant. I realize I'm not a failure as a mommy because we've been dealing with this for a long time now and haven't really seen improvement. (We definitely go through a few months at a time when it just doesn't happen as often, but then we seem to cycle back through it, and the episodes are just as bad.) I don't feel that life is all messed up now that we are back in a season of this again. And I don't plan on changing my tactics, which happen to be: staying consistent and staying on my knees. I know this is all part of it. This is my job. It's a full-time one. This is what God created me to do right now. And I am so grateful that shepherding this little boy's heart - even though it is an angry one today - is how I get to spend my days. I really am.

But am I discouraged too sometimes? Yes. Do I struggle with comparing myself to others whose children don't appear to have this struggle and am I then tempted to harbor thoughts about my identity that are not based in truth? Yes. Am I tired of doing the same things over and over in trying to reach my child's heart, thinking they are right, but then not seeing any results in his behavior? Yes. Tired would be a good word for it. Parenting can just be burdensome sometimes. And I'm feeling burdened by it right now. It's making me sad today. But it's also stripping me of pride and self-reliance and throwing me right into the position of brokenness, realizing again my need for the Lord's help every second. One thing I know at this point in my walk is to welcome that brokenness. And I do. I'm praying my heart out for this little boy and how we are to lead him. And his sister. Yeah, I'm really scared of what she'll bring into the mix one day. =)

I'm still clinging to this beautiful piece of truth that God so encouraged me with during the time I was pregnant with Jonah:

Isaiah 40:11 -
"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."

Busy! But GOOD Busy!

Yep, that describes life right now. Doesn't it for almost everybody? It's that time of year. But this kind of busy has been different for me. We've made a point over the last few months to stay home a whole lot more. During the day, I keep the kids in as much as possible. We do enough playdates to not lose our minds, but we're not overscheduling our days like we used to. And it's been really nice. Sometimes a little lonely for a sanguine like me, BUT the good has far outweighed what is sometimes difficult. I feel so good about where we are in life, and I'm so grateful that God has given me this opportunity to love, train, and invest in my children's hearts all day each day. So. I'm trying to make the most of it. I know I blogged a few months ago about how my heart had really been turned more towards my home, and now I can say it just keeps getting more and more that way. It's been a perfect example to me of how we can influence our emotions to follow the choices we make. I chose to make home life a priority, and now several months later, I can't imagine it any other way. I love it! I loved being a stay-at-home mom before, but I realized I was finding a lot of satisfaction from my connection with friends during the day and the Lord showed me that some of that had become plain ol idolatry. So I've had to reshift a lot of my thinking about how I plan our days. They must now revolve around what God says is good for the family that day, and I'm still tempted to make it about what's fun for me a lot of the time. But this is a good place to be. I'm really liking it a lot more, the more I make these my habits.

But what's been great about not overscheduling our days or overcommitting to regular activities is that it frees us up to be available for whatever opportunities God brings our way for ministry that we have never planned for. And He keeps bringing them for sure! I've been available for unplanned, divine conversations and opportunities to help out friends. And it's been such a good practical lesson for me to "say no" to a lot of good things because I've been freed up to do a whole lot more! Taking a "break" from some ministry things hasn't really been a break at all...and isn't that the way Jesus does things? In the gospels, we see His "breaks" of practicing solitude and stillness always interrupted by needs and needy people coming to Him. And I love that He does that. Because even though I want to spend much more time at home with my kids, more intentionally investing in their hearts, I want them to see their mom serving! I want to do it so much more than I do. And I really wish there wasn't this battle against selfishness that I have to go through each time one of those opportunities comes up. I have sooooo far to go on this. I really want my heart transformed in this area. I want to really see interruptions or unplanned opportunities to invest and serve as what they really are: divine intervention that serves a purpose so much bigger than myself but that I am blessed to be allowed in to participate. And God is definitely taking me seriously! He's bringing me opportunities to learn this and battle my selfishness. I have a feeling there will be a lot more of these opportunities, as I am a slow learner!

So that's the kind of busy I've been. And our evenings and weekends have been pretty full lately too. It started the first week of November and probably will continue that way until after the new year. Speaking of, I can't believe how close 2009 is! Crazy.

Life with the kiddos right now is fun. Parker turned 6 months old on Sunday, and this mama is so sad we are closer to her one year birthday than her actual birth day. She's a precious baby! Really, so happy. Last week was a little rough with teething. She was up a lot at night every night for almost a week. It sent my body into a little shock since she'd been sleeping through the night for quite a while. And she was fussier than usual. But we've been back to normal the last few nights, and that's been great. No teeth have come through yet, but two on the bottom look almost there. She is trying to sit up on her own, but she isn't quite there yet. That's actually my favorite first-year milestone. The time between being able to sit up and crawl is the easiest, I think! It was a really short time with Jonah, and some moms have babies crawling before they even sit up. But I look forward to her being able to sit up and play more with things. She is still laughing a lot at her brother. They have something sweet going on.

And Jonah has seemed like such a little man lately. A few weeks ago, we went through a bad period of resistance at bedtime. He started to protest it for a short time last night, but thankfully it resolved quickly. But that's his main issue right now. He's been pretty helpful and sweet most of the time. I love having conversations with him. I wish I could record them all. He is SO imaginative. But I love listening to his imaginative talk so much right now because it's still so innocent, little boy-ish. It's always about animals. I know the superhero life is just right around the corner, and that will be a fun stage too I'm sure, but for now I'm so glad he cares nothing about Batman or Spiderman. He just "plays" giraffe and zebra and lion and so on. He recently went camping with his dad (and Ame's husband and son) and it was his first time to sleep in a tent...he loved it! It was such a big deal to him.

We did some Christmas shopping yesterday...I'm getting a little bit closer. I really like to have most of that done before December gets here, so I can really have time to enjoy the holiday time with my family and not be running around like a crazy person trying to get things done. I've been that person a lot of Christmases! But I really hope I can get more of it out of the way by the end of the month because I want to be able to do all of those fun advent activities with Jonah that we did last year. Last year was kind of halfhearted because I was feeling so bad from being pregnant. So this year I want to do a lot more!

This once a week blogging is a little crazy because so much more has been happening than that frequency reflects. I really want to do better with keeping up with it. I have things to say, people! I need help to do a better job with this. Any of you have permission to make me blog more. And ridicule me until I do. Because I know I've been saying I need to do better with this for quite a while now.

Happy Pre-Christmas Season, everyone! It's almost here....

Updates and Lots of Pictures

Well, it's been a busy week around here. We've graduated to only semi-hermit mode. I'm starting to feel like I can take my kid back in public. Just not for long at a time. =) No, Jonah has been doing great. I'm so thankful. But I want so much to remember the lessons learned the last couple of months about desperation for the Lord's guidance and constant dependence in prayer. I don't want to forget to pray urgently for my child even when the need doesn't feel quite as urgent.

Parker has been changing tons the last two weeks. She's eating cereal now and is rolling over and is so much more alert and trying to be active. I've had some sudden milk supply issues this week which will surely shorten how long I can nurse her. It makes me sad! She's the same age as Jonah was when I started having problems producing enough milk for him. I am ok with it, I just didn't want the end to come so suddenly. I finally realized yesterday morning that this process of stopping provides the explanation for my emotional weirdness this week. There have been times I've wanted to cry for NO reason at all. I haven't lost it yet, but I feel on the verge. I'm so hormonal! Ugh. Maybe my family should stop taking ME in public for a while!

Below are kid pics and some from a friend's wedding last weekend. The bride, Amber, was one of my best friends in high school (from 7th grade actually) and we were roommates in college. She was one gorgeous bride and her wedding was absolutely beautiful and FUN. I was able to see high school friends I hadn't seen in a really long time and also some of my best college girlfriends. There were five of us at DBU that were close, and we hadn't all been together in 4 years. Way too long! I love when friendships are strong enough to just pick back up and be very comfortable after a long period of distance. I enjoy these girls just as much as I did back in our college days even though we are all in different stages in life, locations, etc. But as of this summer, we're all back in Texas at least. So these reunions should happen more often! We laughed so much that night. Good times.

First time eating cereal, not so sure about it then:


Got him trained! It really helps that Jonah can give her a bottle when we're in the car too! But this was his first time to really feed her by himself, and he was happy:
Enjoying but not yet jumping in her johnny-jump up:
Yes, EVERY game day my kids look like this:
My daughter likes to read! What could be better to this mom?! =) This is how she looked when I came back into her room yesterday after putting Jonah down for a nap, like she was really into this little book:
And now for the wedding fun.


Left to right, Angela, me, Leighann, and Lizzy:
The sweet couple:

In college, everyone thought Leighann and I were sisters because supposedly there's some resemblance. We've never really seen it, but we heard that anytime we went anywhere together! Some crazy people even thought we were twins. So we took this picture to see if we "still look alike":


The five of us were the cheerleaders from our class for three consecutive weird years:

And we'd all be sad if this girl didn't catch the bouquet! Erin was one stunning bridesmaid:
And because I love you, I'll leave you with these:

Oh yeah. Betcha wish your husband had moves like these!

I Think I'm Back

Hopefully I'm back to blogging more regularly. I've missed you! I'm working on catching up on everybody's blogs. Like I mentioned previously, my focus has had to be on my home for the last 5 or 6 weeks. And it's been a hard time. But it's been really good. I feel like I've been re-energized in my roles as wife and mom, and it's taken some pretty tough days to get me there, to make me desperate enough to where I passionately sought out the Lord for help in every aspect of those roles. And when we're weak, He always comes through for us! And it's been fun to have my heart turned more towards my home. I mean, I loved it before. I thought I did. I've always loved being a mother and consider myself quite blessed to have a job that centers on loving these precious children of mine. It's just different now. Over the course of the last month or so, I've come to realize that I had made idols out of some of these blessings that come from being a stay-at-home mommy. I don't know how to explain it well, especially as I'm still processing through this and working on dealing with it, but I've had a fun time so far in my parenting life. I had never experienced the valley of loneliness as I know so many stay-at-home moms have. Until recently. I haven't ever felt particularly disconnected from people who aren't children or struggling with a lack of meaningful relationships and fun experiences. I've been blessed with amazing "mommy friends" and I can't remember the last time I had a week that didn't have a fun playdate on the calendar. Until this summer. I never thought I could be one of those moms who just stayed home all the time. But God is showing me exactly what I am capable of, through His power, and He is, strangely enough, changing my desires to even want it more. Crazy! I'm liking it. I have spent a lot more time within the walls of this house, doing the hard work of homemaking and parenting...the kind that requires constant, tedious training of my child. At first, the sanguine in me resisted that kind of solitude. But I've tasted of its blessings, and I am completely and utterly sold on the idea that I can best parent my child if we stay home considerably more. I had no idea how much I had idolized some of these fun experiences of getting together with my girlfriends during the day and/or just being on the go with my kids all day until I really was forced to miss out on a lot of those things. I always knew constant entertainment (for them or me) was never the goal. But I still pursued it too much, and I never even realized that until just recently, since I've been in my hermit state of existence. But here's the good thing: it's not like I have to stay holed up in my house forever! Even when the difficult stages of parenting little ones (when you just know you can't leave the house because your child is acting so crazy) lingers on for longer than you'd like, it's still just a season. It does end eventually. And I want so much not to look back and feel like I missed out on the opportunities of these few short years I have my babies all to myself. I've been so desperate and struggling with parenting issues, yet I'm never felt so empowered, encouraged, and inspired! This is a GOOD job! And even in these seasons, God sends the breaks when we need them...not just the times we can get away for our own refreshment but also opoprtunities to invest in others's lives. I'm finding that being at home considerably more these last few weeks hasn't eliminated opportunities for ministry to others outside of my family; it just looks a little different right now. A lot more of that is happening in my home, and I'm really enjoying that! And being home better prepares me for those times and keeps me ready for those unexpected times when needs just show up at my door. That's been happening! And it's been fun! Anyway, this probably isn't all that interesting to anyone, but it's where I've been lately and blogging about it helps me process and gain more insight into this change that God is doing in me to draw my heart towards my home roles more. Oh, and by the way, we have had a reprieve from some of these behavior issues of Jonah's...there hasn't been a tantrum in a week and a half! That's been nice.

Our trip to Bartlesville was great. The ride there was rough. Parker cried a majority of the 6 hour trip. I hope my mom doesn't read this! She is really unhappy at the thought of a grandchild of hers strapped in a car seat for that long ever, and the crying part just kills her. But it was loud in our car! Thankfully, the trip home went much better, with her sleeping the first three and a half hours. That helped. There was only one big screaming fit, and it was on the last 35 minutes of the trip, so we knew we could make it! Our visit with family was good...we were able to see all of Joel's siblings, and Joel's mom had planned some fun activities for us which is so nice for a busy three-year old. We went to a local wildlife preserve and to Kiddie Park, our favorite old-fashioned little kids' amusement pak. I think for most moms, traveling with a baby can be quite tiring. I just expected it to be a little hard. WORTH IT, because visiting family always is. But I thought it would be pretty exhausting. And I was pleasantly surprised by how relaxed and rested I felt coming home. Both kids slept pretty well while we were there, which never seems to happen when traveling. It was a nice little getaway for a few days.

I have more pictures and updates on both kids to post soon, and I have a post I've started in my head about Sarah Palin that should be somewhat interesting. Until then, I'm going to start getting caught up on y'all's blogs!

Simplifying

That's the season I'm in...simplifying my life in such a way that my attention is really only given to a few things right now. The last month has been really different for me. I've stayed home a lot more and have had way fewer things going on outside my home. It hasn't really been by choice all the time, but as I mentioned recently, Jonah is going through a challenging time right now...it seems that the reality of a new sister finally hit him three months after she arrived and he's been trying all sorts of new things for attention. And it's fine. We're all learning. But there have been some really hard days. I've just realized several things through this, and one is that we need to be home more, addressing issues and training his little heart, so most playdates have been put on hold for a while. I found that I just couldn't give him the quality time he needs and meet Parker's needs if we have very much else going on. If we tried to do much else, one kid would be suffering. It's just a season we're in. And what's funny is that in the past, I've had mom friends that have been in such a season and I just felt so sorry for them! I didn't know how anyone could handle being "shut in" so much! That's just the sanguine in me. Not to mention that I am such a "go-er." But I've really started to love it! Sure, I'd love a little more adult interaction and girl time, but that will come again, I'm sure. For now, this is so important. We've gotten some structure back to our lives, which has helped a ton. And Parker has turned out to be fairly predictable in her routine (though I recognize that that could change in just a second), and I am just enjoying my kids so much. There have been unenjoyable times, of course...I think dealing with angry tantrums all day is very draining! And it can get so discouraging when you have a day where you give up every pleasure for yourself and you devote yourself entirely to meeting the needs of your kids, and then at the end of the day, you really don't see a glimpse of its fruit. That's hard. But even on those exhausting days, my heart is enthralled with the goodness of this responsibilty of motherhood, and I love the "job" so much. And the Lord is so sweet to give endurance when I need it, support from my husband (these challenges with Jonah have really forced us to work together as a team like never before, and that's been a blessing for our relationship!), and continual lessons on dependence. And especially sweet is that the tantrums are defintely lessening in frequency, so maybe we're nearing the other side. (The other side being that they're the exception instead of the norm.) Until this past month, I've never really felt desperate in parenting, and He's shown me before that desperate is good! So it's been a good time. Sometimes brokenness just looks like simplifying in my life. So that's what I am doing and will be doing for a while hopefully. And I really am liking it. And surprised I am liking it so much. The pace isn't slower, I am still doing things nonstop from before dawn until almost midnight most days. But it's the most important things that are getting done.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I will have some friend time! Mom, Parker, and I are headed to a dear friend's wedding reception in Dallas, and I'm also going to another friend's wedding shower there. I'll be seeing several good friends that I don't get to see very often, so I'm excited! Hopefully we'll have time to squeeze in a few shopping stops too! I hope I remember to take pictures; I've been really bad about that lately.

Rainy Day

Isn't this little boy just so cute?


Rain has canceled our plans to go to the pool this morning with Alissa and Luke, and that was a bummer. But we've been rocking on our front porch, listening to the rain while Jonah plays in it, splashing in puddles. The line of the song "You are my Sunshine" that says "You make me happy when skies are grey" has been playing in my head this morning. That cheesy smile of his in this picture just cracks me up.

And let me tell you, we've needed some sunshine in our home! This little boy has been quite challenging the last couple of weeks, so we're in a big season of having to train and retrain on some things. It's hard work! Also, I've been working the last couple of days on getting Parker on a regular sleeping and eating schedule, and that's been going pretty well. It's time for us to have more structure to our day or I'm not able to give Jonah the attention he needs, so we're really trying to figure out this week how that all needs to work. There have been a number of anger tantrums the last week and a half, and we have lots to work on! There have been some draining days, but God has given much encouragement through His Word and through daily empowerment. The power to parent is always there, I just hate that it takes me getting so desperate before I turn to Him, lean into Him, and tap into that power. I wish I started every day with brokenness and dependence! I'm working on that this week too! I find it very interesting how dramatically our family dynamics have changed in the last week or so. Parker is so easy now! Her brother is quite challenging! I love them both so much and even when I find myself in a season of hard work discipline-wise, I am extremely grateful for the little moments of sunshine that make their way in...moments of laughter, funny things being said, and just pure enjoyment of life with my kids. And to me, this picture captures the essence of that enjoyment!

Fun Times

The last few weeks have been wonderful. My brother and his family were visiting all last week, and his oldest two are still here in town. Pictures to come. Jonah has had so much fun with his cousins...I so dread them leaving. Jonah always has a hard-time saying good-bye to them, but I expect his disappointment to be much bigger this time. He's had longer time with them this visit, and they're playing together so well these days. And of course there have been numerous fun and exciting things to do, such as a camping trip last week at Beaver's Bend and a visit to Wolf Creek Lodge coming this week. In between, there have been boat rides on the lake, lots of pool time, and currently they're all at Pump It Up. Next week will be a tough week, I think, adjusting back to the reality that Jonah's world isn't really all about constant entertainment! But it's worth every bit of it, in order to spend as much time with Nathan and Maggie as possible while they are here. These have been sweet times.

Parker Jane has been growing like crazy. A week ago, she was 10 pounds, 8.5 ounces. Even her hair has grown. We were concerned about possible milk allergies because of a horrible rash that has lingered on for almost a month now, but the doctor says it's a really really really bad case of heat rash. Ugh. Can't get it to go away. But she's getting easier. She is almost happy! I really do think she's close to deciding she likes it here. She wakes up once to eat during the night. Last week, she went all night three different times! Those were amazing days. But the last few nights, she's been giving us trouble going down. Starting next week, I'm going to start working on getting her on a schedule. I think it's going to be pretty challenging. But the rest of the family is ready. So I really hope she decides to be.

I just got back from a trip to Walmart - my first with her with me. Oh my, we were there about 30-40 minutes and probably were stopped at least ten different times by people who just wanted to look at her and say things like "Look at that hair!" and...well, pretty much just "Look at that hair!" It's wild hair. It sticks straight up on top and now in the back so her profile looks kind of like a rooster. It's pretty funny. So cute though. At least I think so. She's smiling a lot, you know, when she isn't screaming, and I love her smiley face. She smiles, and her whole face just glows. It's precious. So anyway, about Wal-mart...she started out asleep and gave me about ten minutes to shop in peace, and then she was not a happy girl. I was afraid this would happen. We've previously made several quick CVS trips, and none of them have gone well. She sure knows how to make a scene. She made several today...only not for too long because her softie mom picked her up and carried her every time she cried. It was insane. At one point, I thought I might slap the next person who looked at my crying baby and cheerily said, "Uh, oh, it looks like somebody's not very happy!" YA THINK??!!

But life is good these days. I'm savoring the moments and I get sad a lot thinking about how fast time is going. I want it to slow down. And except for this past week, we've slowed down quite a bit since she's been born. As much as you can with an active three-year old. But I'm liking the pace. The only frustrating thing is that I spend a lot of my days being very productive, not taking the time to be lazy for one second, and at the end of the day, I look back and see that all I got done was related to feeding people. Just feeding the people in my home takes up every bit of time I have! Parker eats a lot more often during the day than Jonah ever did, but it's ok with me because she sleeps better at night than he did. But milking just seems to consume so much of my day! But even though this can frustrate me to see so many other tasks left undone and incomplete, I'm trying to keep it all in perspective. God's perspective, that is. And when I choose to go there, I see that He has orchestrated all these things and uses them for good purposes. Beautiful, eternal purposes. And I consider these times I get to spend meeting the needs of little people the most blessed experiences. It's a good life, even if I am tired.

Oh, and I'm figuring out a thing or two about what this little girl wants. I've learned she likes noise. The sound of water running is the one that most consistently soothes her when she is upset. I've found myself doing things I never thought I would do! I know it's wasteful, but several mornings this week, I have put on my make-up while running water in the bathtub so she'd sit quietly in her bouncy seat. And today, she fell asleep right before we got to Walmart, so I decided to go past Walmart and keep driving for a little while to make sure she was good and asleep before moving her from car to grocery cart, in hopes that she would sleep for a while in the store instead of waking up as soon as the car stops, like she usually does. So, I'm sorry, Environment. But how "green" can you be when you have a high-maintenance baby??

A True "Mom Moment"

There are experiences of motherhood in which you just cannot fake that it's glamorous. I had one of those experiences this morning. I feel compelled to share what may be a funny story one day. Just not today!

The day started off well. Any of you ministers' wives know what I'm talking about when I use the phrase "Sunday morning widow"; it can be quite tricky being responsible for you and your kids getting to church on time and alive, all by yourself. I don't know why it's harder on Sunday mornings when I do it almost every other day of the week by myself. Maybe it's because I attempt to have us look somewhat presentable for church, and that's a goal we don't even strive for anymore on other days. But on Sundays, we usually try a tad harder. Since I'm still well within the trial period of having two kids instead of one, my Sunday morning routine is still in an experimental phase. Haven't figured it out just yet. And we have yet to make it on time to church. Except for one Sunday. But that doesn't count because I wasn't showered. Mission remains unaccomplished. But today, we made it very close to start time, and things went remarkably well during the first hour at church. Parker was amazingly sweet during the church service, and we were able to stay in there the entire time. A whole service! She was either happily awake or she was asleep in my arms. It went perfectly smooth. I also decided to take a bottle for her at church today so that I could attempt to be present for more of church. If you know me at all, then you know being engaged in church is very important to me, and when I am unable to fully participate in it for weeks at a time, it really starts to wear me down. I just don't believe you can have abundant life without an abundant church life. But that's an entirely different soapbox that I'll refrain from getting on. Hopefully ever again. But you can imagine my delight in being able to soak up an entire hour of corporate worship, there with my precious baby girl in my arms and my husband by my side. It just does wonders for my outlook on life. After first service, I headed upstairs to our Bible study class, excited that I would be able to stay longer in class, thanks to the bottle I brought, and not have to leave to go nurse her. I was practically floating up the stairs. I felt so energized by the smoothness of the morning thus far. Surprised by it. But feeling pretty blessed. And quite confident actually.

And then in two seconds, everything changed.

(Now let me just say that I really don't embarrass easily. I guess when you do and say as many dumb things I do, you really get quite used to it and you tend to just be amused by your own wackiness. Embarrassment is just an emotion I rarely experience. But today...today was different. What happened in class mortified me!!! Don't continue reading if talk of baby bodily functions grosses you out.)

As I was feeding Parker her bottle, she raised up and projectile spit-up like nothing you've ever seen. The class just stopped. Everyone stared. No one knew what to do. It was like time stood still. She has barely spit up at all in her life, so this was new. I wish I could describe to you how much it was. The sheer volume of spit-up and the distance it flew was both mesmerizing and completely disgusting. Within seconds of this, I looked down and saw yellow all over my black pants. Oh yes, she simultaneously had vomited like a crazy woman and graced me with a leaky poopy diaper. In my lap. My shirt was completely soaked with spit-up and my pants completely covered in poop. I am not exaggerating in the least. It was unbelievable.

The worst part was the reaction I sensed from most in the room. I could tell they were completely disgusted by it. It's not like this happened in a room full of other young moms. Oh, no. This class is mostly middle-aged and older, with just a few young families. Even if you're a parent or grandparent, you really don't enjoy seeing other babies' poop. I really thought a few people were going to throw up. A bunch of people had to look away. Sadly, Joel had not made it up to class yet, so I didn't have him to help right then. It was the most awkward moment ever. And I completely froze. I couldn't think of what I was supposed to do. I felt like if I moved, the puddles of my daughter's fluids would slide off my body and onto the floor, creating an even bigger mess. I don't know what happened. I tend to think of myself as a fairly competent mom in moments of chaos like that. But all that confidence has gone out the window this morning. Thank God for two men who jumped into action (after the initial shock and moment of silence that seemed to drag on forever) and grabbed some things to help me clean Parker and myself. If not for them, I think I might still be sitting there, paralyzed in my shock and sense of incapability. But thankfully, with help, I figured out how to pick her up, get our stuff, and quickly get out of there! I am pretty sure I won't be attending that class until she is old enough to go to the nursery (one more month!) for fear that our presence together in that class will only serve to remind people of an image that I'm pretty sure they are desperate to forget. Some of them couldn't even look me in the eye. And I'm not sure I can look them in theirs either for a while!

Joel saw us after we left the class and helped me change her....there was seriously poop all over her back, all the way up to the base of her neck. Changing her was quite the task. I finished feeding her, and she and I headed home as quickly as we could. I was starting to be able to smell the stink on myself.

(Side note: I also realized as we were leaving that my legs were woefully unshaven. And I was wearing cropped pants. Disgusting. Oh, to have a complete shower again one day!)

Ok, Lord....I get that this morning has been one big lesson on humility. Can we stop now??

Oh, this little girl and I have bonded. We've been through a lot together today. I'm still immensely thankful for the one hour we did get at church today without making a scene! I just love her so much.

Reflections of This Mother's Heart

It’s crazy that Parker Jane has been with us for over two weeks now. She has been quite a joy. Easy baby, at this point. I had one almost entirely sleepless night (last Monday) where the only sleep I got was during two different 30-minute periods. It was quite a night. She wasn’t super fussy, just wide awake and wanting to be held. Thankfully, she has not done that again. In fact, the last two nights, she has only woken up once during the night to eat. WHOO-HOO!!!! You don’t know how happy that makes me. I feel like anything I face during the day is manageable when I get that kind of sleep! The last two days have brought increasingly more energy to this mama. The first night she went six hours between a feeding, I thought it was a fluke, and I didn’t expect it to happen again last night. But when it did, I admit I’m starting to be hopeful that she’s begun a new habit that just might stick. I’m hoping very cautiously still. She’s starting to wake up a little more during the day, and it’s been fun watching her take everything in. Especially all that her brother is doing. Almost every morning this week, she’s had a long awake period where I’ve put her in her bouncy seat next to Jonah, and he’s talked to her and entertained her for quite a while. She’ll just watch him very intently. I love it. He’s all over her, very affectionate all the time. The hardest thing to get him to understand is that he doesn’t need to put his face against hers all the time! The girl appears to have some personal space issues, and he is not cooperative in that way. But I’m loving that he loves her so much. And generally, she responds well to his love. When it’s given at least a foot away from her face! I’ll post more pictures tomorrow. I don’t have my camera or cord with me right now. I confess I haven’t taken very many this week. Poor second child. But I’m going to get on it. She’s gaining back some lost chubbiness, and she graduated from newborn to size one diapers earlier in the week. She’s growing so fast!! =)

I’ve been reflecting on what I think about having a daughter. Honestly, it didn’t become real to me that she was a girl until I met her. I never expected to be given a daughter; I just didn’t. Thought I was more of a “boy mom.” Even though I happen to be pretty girly. Maybe my own girly-ness is what made me scared to have a girl and I don't know why I thought God would not give me one because of my fear. I should have known He'd want to make me face it! (And I'm ridiculously happy He did!!!) There are seasons of life that I so look forward to with having a daughter, but there are some that just thinking about for a second brings me to my knees! But as I’ve explored some of these fears and looked deeper into my heart to know why they exist, I’ve realized that the problem is really that I feel so much pressure. Pressure to model for her what a godly woman looks like. Obviously, the need to model holiness is just as strong when you have a son, but for some reason, Satan has had success in discouraging me in this area more with a daughter than with a son. Maybe the significance of my modeling of Christ is just harder to ignore now. I don’t know. But regardless of why the pressure feels stronger this time, it is something I have needed to deal with. The Lord has begun addressing the specific hang-ups I have in this area, and what I’ve found is that there exists in my heart this sense of personal failure. Future failure. A realization that I will let her down, that I will fall so short of the model I’m called to be for her. An acknowledgment that Parker’s mother is and will be a woman who deals with real-life heart issues and has her own set of struggles, insecurities, and failures. Now, it’s not like I didn’t know this already. We all know we’re not perfect. It’s pretty obvious. It’s just that Satan has bombarded me with these thoughts in such a way that I’m more bothered by it than I used to be. Perfection is something I will never be able to offer her. And to be just plain real, I hate that.

But the Lord has been so sweet to walk me through this.

I can tell He’s calling me out of that place. Because of Christ, things can be so very different. I don’t have to crumble under the pressure. Through reliance on the Lord, I don’t have to let Satan steal away any more of my joy or confidence. I keep coming back to the truth of the book of Hosea (my go-to book of the Bible when I’m struggling to walk in grace) that tells me all about the sweetness of Christ’s redemption and the beauty that its restoration brings. As I’ve been applying those truths to various situations in my life, I’ve been experiencing His healing touch in a number of areas where I’ve been living with deep heartache. This year has brought several opportunities for it, and the ache has been so real. I have dealt with soul-longings and relational hurts that have brought about some deep security issues in my heart. Being in the midst of those and being told I would have a daughter had escalated the fear of raising her. But as I’ve allowed Him to touch those issues with His restorative love and grace, I have not only fallen more in love with Him but I am also assured of what is most important in terms of the kind of example I set for my daughter: that the best I can give her is to allow her to see in action the grace-story God has given me. I need to live it out before her. Not try to hide my failures from her. But to show her what it looks like for a broken heart to keep returning to the Lord for grace and healing. To teach her the power of a God who keeps loving on messed-up people. And I’m convinced that really is THE BEST I can give her or Jonah. Or anyone I come into contact with, for that matter.

I recently was reading someone’s blog entry and was struck with sadness when I realized that she was still in bondage over something difficult she faced a number of years ago. I was so sad for her because I really sensed that there was still lingering in her heart some anger and bitterness over this experience that happened so long ago. It led me to reflect on some of the more difficult experiences of my past, and I realized that the things that hurt me that many years ago are not things that still pain me today to the same extent. They’re things that I don’t even think about that much anymore. And as I contemplated why that is, I was overwhelmingly assured that it has everything to do with God’s healing grace in my life. I have no problems saying it: this is something I really know something about. When your heart and head have been as messed up as mine and you experience Christ’s restoration in such a powerful way, then you do too. Then you, too, have a grace-story. And His forgiveness of our past issues (or SIN, if we really want to get right down to it) works something like a shower door that gets all steamy. You can kind of see through it, but it’s all foggy and unclear. You see what happened in the past (He usually doesn’t erase your entire memory of it because He does want you to remember the lessons learned from it), but because He brought healing to that experience or situation, your vision of it is not quite so sharp. Your feeling of it not as intense. You know there was great pain, but it just doesn’t seem to sting in the same way anymore. One of the most beautiful things about God’s grace is that it both enlightens and blurs at the same time. I think time brings that kind of experience, IF you let healing run its FULL course. When you stop short of experiencing complete healing grace, or if you follow Satan’s lead to return to the pre-healing state of your heart, then you are bound to experience bondage. Real captivity of heart. And you’ll miss out on a lot of abundant life you were meant to have. Thinking about how God really redeemed some painful experiences of my life as well as ungodly decisions has reenergized me to fight these insecurities I’m facing now. Remembering how He has delivered in the past is what compels me to address these feelings of failure and not get tripped up by them. If God has said anything to me this last week, it’s been, “Stop. Stop thinking that way. Just STOP it!” So I’m going to stop. I don’t want to go down the road that nurturing self-deprecating thoughts will most surely take me. I really don’t want to go there. It’s totally selfish. It’s taking attention away from the God who can work wonders in a soul and already has. He deserves more credit for what He’s done in my life, and to let myself keep thinking that He won’t keep doing it (showering grace for me to daily walk in) dishonors His glory in such a profound way. It’s like a betrayal of my praise. So while I’m stopping that thinking, I also recognize that it will take work. It just will. I’ll need to work through these debilitating thoughts that plague me one-by-one, and it might be a tedious process that takes longer than I want it to. But I will do the work necessary to replace those thoughts with truth. Truth says that the grace-story He gives me is way more important than my efforts toward an image of perfection, and Truth says that the healing He desires to continually bring to me is more effective and life-giving than a mindset filled with self-disgust that never turns to Him for help.

So, yes, having a daughter has already brought about some challenges! Challenges to my own heart, that is. I know that God desires for parenting to be such a refining process; it’s just been getting really personal here lately! And I am thankful. I want Him to take me to a deeper place with Him and teach me to live in His grace more, and I know I want it because I see how much I want it for my kids. And while God isn’t limited in what He can do in their lives, I sure am. I won’t get to be the one who leads them there if I haven’t gone there myself. And what real and lasting joy will be found in the role of motherhood apart from that?

Mother's Day Thoughts

There are several random things I'm thinking and feeling about this Mother's Day:

I am thankful for my own mother, who led me to my Savior and has taught me so much about the Lord, all the while modeling selfless love and generous service. And she has loved my child so purposefully - I know she "grandparents" his heart in the same way I desire to "parent" his heart: in a way that nurtures his understanding of the Heavenly Father. And that fills my heart with joy.

I am grateful for the woman who mothered my husband. He's a good one, and I'm glad she gave birth to him!

I can't help but think of all the people I know who long to be mothers and are still waiting for God to answer their heart cry. The faces of several women I know in that position have been running through my mind today, and I want to recognize their pain. I hope they escape much hurt and insensitivity from others this Mother's Day. I feel the same sadness for those whose mothers aren't on earth anymore. I am saying prayers for God to give these women a special portion of grace today, making their journey through this valley somehow sweeter, turning sadness into some sort of celebration, as only He can supernaturally do.

I am immensely thankful for my own experience of being a mother. It has been a remarkable gift...its joys are indescribable and even its challenges are rich in purpose and significance. I can't believe my sweet Jonah will turn three years old in less than a month! What an amazing three years of motherhood. His life blesses me so much more than I ever would have thought possible. I am also thankful for the life of his sister, as we prepare to meet her. I also find myself thankful for another child of mine that I did not get to know on this earth, reveling in the perspective, growth, and joy that has come from such a difficult journey. My experience as a mother has not been long on time, but, my, how full my cup feels already.

As fun as it is to have a special day to commemorate the special gift that mothers are
and how nice and appreciated it is for husbands and children to honor the moms of their families, I am reminded of a sweet truth today. One that I am most thankful for. However much or little recognition we receive here on earth for our service as mothers really isn't as significant as I once thought. I am so glad my worth does not come from my role as mother (or anything else). I am also glad that we don't have to measure our success by the level of appreciation and admiration we receive from those around us. Their view of our mothering is not what makes us who we are. Our identity is found in Christ. Alone. Not in gifts or cards or special demonstrations of love given on a particular day. Or the lack of them.

The Rest of the Week

Well, last week was fun and full. The first few weeks of May are just full of activities for us...we've had a bunch of church things going on, which has been great. I've realized that I really enjoy my husband's job! I've always been happy to be a minister's wife, but when we were first married, my role in that looked a lot different than it does now. He started out in college and singles ministry, and I loved being a part of that. My role in ministering to the college girls at our church then was clear to understand and was something I was very passionate about, in a ministry that my husband and I participated in very much together. Joel's current role is in small groups ministry, adult education, with involvement and leadership in several other areas of church ministry as well. It's such a perfect fit for him, he enjoys it a lot, and I enjoy that he enjoys it! It just doesn't come with a tag-along role for me. Which is fine. I wasn't hired; he was. But I'm just saying it was a big transition for me when he moved away from college ministry. What my own personal ministry looked like changed so much. I haven't stopped to think about it a ton in the last couple of years, in terms of how I feel about my role transition, because it has been so clear that God has led my husband to the perfect place of ministry for this season in our lives and maybe always. But there have been times I've struggled to understand my place in it and what my support of him needed to be. Because his needs for support (in his ministry) are way different than they were in the beginning of our marriage. Anyway, I'm saying all of this because this weekend has been pretty full of church activity and we've had numerous "events" to do, and it just hit me this week how much I LOVE where we are and what my husband is doing. The role for me is different, yes, but I realize how comfortable I've become with that. I've been blessed to be given this time where my support of him happens mainly within our home and, on occasion (like what happened a lot this weekend), I get to participate with him in all the church things. And that may just include attendance sometimes. Not actual sharing of leadership. But I'm becoming increasingly ok with that. It also frees me up to explore other opportunities God has in store for me and to really have time to seek where God wants to develop new ministry for me. I don't know if y'all feel this way sometimes....but there's just this feeling I get when I sense God about to do something new in my life, or that He's working to bring a new realm of ministry to me. And that's what I've been seeking lately. Clarity of vision. I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of something new, but I don't really know what that new thing is just yet. He's just starting to stir some things around in my heart to shift my burden and passion to a new need. And I'm liking it. It is exciting to me to know that He's doing something...and that I don't even have to have it all figured out right now. But thoughts of it, however vague, have been running through my head this week.

One of the more exciting things of the week though was that my friend Shelly had her baby Wednesday evening, and oh my goodness, did it ever make me more ready to have Parker here!! Congratulations to Michael and Shelly on the arrival of Piper Reese! Here is the beautiful mama with her beautiful baby (and her jealous friend!) -


I was at the hospital with her a couple of different times, and I thought it would be such perfect timing for my water to break while I was there. I would already be there, I could be there at the same time as a friend, and I even saw my doctor already at the hospital one of those times. How convenient that would be! But God didn't agree with me. My water stayed unbroken. And my uterus non-contracted. But I know His timing really is perfect, and as excited as I am to meet my little girl, I am enjoying these last days with just Jonah. He's been pretty sweet lately.

By the way, he had his first opportunity to take cover from a tornado on Friday morning. Jonah and I were at home and when the sirens went off, we pulled a mattress into our hallway and had quite the little adventure. It really was exciting to him. He keeps talking about "tornader storms" as he calls them, even though he has no clue what a tornado really is. In his mind, it just seemed fun and exciting and different for us to sit in the dark in our hallway with a mattress! I always learn something when I take time to see things through his little perspective - I love that he had no idea to be afraid of a big storm. We so often learn fear, but I love that he didn't really know to be fearful yet. I'm not ignoring the existence of the sin nature, but a lot of times we base our reactions on how we see others respond to a circumstance or experience and through that, we formulate our ideas of what is normal . And through the whole (short) experience in the hallway Friday morning, I realized how much responsibility God has given me to model TRUST to my child. And how powerful that example really is. I just wonder how many times I miss those opportunities and I let him learn worry and fear from me instead. Well, speaking of the precious guy, he needed to be put down for a nap about 45 minutes ago, and I think his mommy needs one too!

Thoughts about Mommyhood

Last week was an interesting week. When I returned from the wonderful retreat, I realized there were a number of things that needed to be addressed in how I was being a mother to Jonah. I find it hard to articulate very well, but I talked a little about it to my sister-in-law and then to a couple of friends we had dinner with Saturday night...so it got me thinking and ready to blog about it. I still don't know that I can organize all of the thoughts in my head about it. But here goes my attempt.

I had a little breakdown during Jonah's naptime one afternoon last week. Before getting him down, I endured a pretty bad tantrum from him and really struggled with how to handle it. I knew exactly how to....in theory....but I was not near as calm or constant or patient as I should have been. I believe that the best discipline happens when we separate our emotions from their offenses as much as possible. What I mean is that I don't want to react like my child's sinful choices are wrong because they make mommy sad but rather because they have disobeyed God's standard, black-and-white truth...they have crossed a line. It's not about me and whether or not they please me, but they are expected to obey God because He is holy and always right and He IS truth. Well, I did a poor job of not letting my emotions get in the way that day....frustration and anger being the big ones. Another thing that I think is so important in the discipline process of a young child is in how you bring closure to the incident. More important than the actual consequence of Jonah's action is how I, as his parent, lead him through repentance and restoration afterward. I so want to use all of these discipline opportunities to teach him what repentance is truly about and how that restoration with God after repentance really is a huge blessing. I want to model that for him through my interactions with him after he has done something wrong. I want him to really experience my love and affection when "closing" a time of consequence so that as he grows up, he will have a framework of understanding how God showers us with His unconditional love all the time but we really aren't in positions to see and receive it when sin stands between us and God. I realize there will always be breakdowns in this parallel since of course I am not God! I will never model this perfectly. But it is my goal to parent my children in this way. It is just what God has put on my heart for my children, and I don't doubt that it is how He is leading me.

So that's my goal. But there are so many times when there are gaps between what I want to do and what actually happens. And that is what those days last week were like. There was a huge discrepancy between what I sensed godly, effective training of my child should look like and what actually was happening in our home. The breakdown could be seen in how my child wasn't even responding to my affectionate embrace following his consequence and asking for forgiveness. It broke my heart. I could tell he was angry with me. And I just didn't feel like I was doing this whole "leading him through repentance" thing very well.

And I cried about it. A lot.

That one afternoon, I just lost it and spent a long time crying out in desperation to the Lord. I've said it before and I'll say it again (although I wish I didn't have to keep re-learning this truth I seem to easily forget): Broken really is the best place to be. God is oh so sweet to a broken, contrite heart. And where the Lord took me from there was so amazing.

First, I was convicted of major pride and self-reliance. Some people are scared to death to become parents. I happened to have entered motherhood pretty confident. I was blessed to have been given some relationships and experiences as a nanny that provided great insight into how God's ways work and how other ways don't work, in terms of parenting strategies. I say I was blessed because I really do believe that was a gift from God. I would beg Him during those years before being a mother to use those experiences to teach me and prepare me, and I am full of praise to Him for answering that prayer! I don't want to discount that He really does send wisdom when we're wholeheartedly seeking it. But just like all blessings from God, our human nature can twist them to be something they were never intended to be. And I think the things I've learned about parenting started out as trust in Him but very subtly grew into a major crutch for depending on myself instead. I am just starting to realize how much of myself has been wrapped up in my thoughts on being a godly mother. So it was time for some of that confidence to be stripped away because it had changed from being God-confidence to self-confidence. So the Lord began to strip me of it. And it was not fun.

But it is such a better place to be....to realize I have nothing in myself that can do this mom thing well. I don't have the answers. And while I want to shepherd my child's heart to know and love God, only GOD can actually impress my child's heart with the truth of who He is. Even if I did every single thing right. (Which I don't, of course.) But even if I did, only God has access enough to my child's heart to convict him of right and wrong and to lead him to even want to repent and know Him. So I've been reminded in a huge way that humble prayer is the best I can do for my child. Prayer on behalf of my child's heart. Prayer that God would lead him to understand repentance and want it and that my child would see my love and through it, understand more of God's. Prayer that acknowledges I am not capable of doing any of that myself. That should seem obvious, but if I really lived like that were true, I'd be praying these things a whole lot more! And while it is really scary to stop and think of how little control we have over our children - really NONE on their hearts - it is refreshing to be reminded that God wants my child's heart. He is already after it. He placed Jonah in a home where he'd have parents who desire to teach him the Word. He places things on my heart, specific things, to pray for my child. He is at work in Jonah's life! I am just an assistant! And I'm so blessed to even have that role. I told one friend over the weekend: I really believe God can do so much more with a "Lord, I don't have any clue how to do this. Please do it for me" prayer than He can with a "Lord, here is my plan....help this work out well for my child's life" attitude. So I'm learning to depend on Him again. Instead of what I know. Or what I think I know.

A big part of that "new" dependence is letting Him start the conversations on parenting. Instead of my prayers including me "bringing something to the table" and asking Him to bless it, they should be rooted in response to what He shows me in the Word. For several months now, my friend Kelli has been studying what Scripture says about parenting. Not what anyone else says. But just God's thoughts on it. And she's been telling me for a while how blessed she has been by that study...just looking up every single reference to parenting that she can find. She said she was amazed how much there really is that speaks specifically to it. So after last week's breakdown, I felt inspired by her example and have begun to just dive into what God says about it. Who knows how much I've missed of it?! There are several passages in Deuteronomy that stand out to me as reflections of God's heart for parenting. To share those encouragements in this post would be too much and would make this way longer than it is even now, but I'd love to share some of it soon. You can remind me if I forget. =) While I've been dealing with some of these things with the Lord and He's been tenderly taking me through this "stripping" process, He's been gracious to give me some specific nudges....some practical things that need to change in our home's environment, things having to do with schedule, structure, routine, busyness, quality time, etc. So I'm in a process this week of trying to implement and/or re-implement some new habits in our home...ones that I believe will ultimately assist us in best reflecting God's character in our home and family interactions. But it's going to take some work for this tired, pregnant mama to put these new habits in practice!

Also, I believe God certainly doesn't mind using others to relay their practical advice and wisdom! I'm just wanting to stay so connected to Him that I recognize when people's advice is from Him and when it is not, when I should seek it and ask someone for it and when I should not. So this whole new kind of dependence doesn't mean shutting out every voice. I love that He teaches me through others at times! And through various resources. I just want to be careful not to seek those voices before I seek His.

And I have to say that this new sense of being desperate and lacking has really been "paying off" already! There have been numerous instances in just the last few days where I've seen Jonah's heart completely change directions from a desire to do wrong to a desire to do right, and I had nothing to do with it. Just a quick prayer. Of course, I don't judge parenting success by improved outward behavior. My job is not to get him to act right. Not that I need to look at it from an angle of estimation because that is God's job to test his heart, not mine. Plus, my role is a cooperative one and shouldn't be a controlling one. But still, I'm getting to see some examples of God just doing things in my child's life that aren't in any way a result of what I do or know, and I'm loving it! Much thanks to God for allowing me to catch glimpses of those little miracles and for caring enough about my children to break me and change my perspective from one of self-reliance to reliance on Him. I know I'll need help putting on that perspective daily (and the old one will feel so comfortable), so Lord, help me!

This Week

I haven't written all week, just haven't felt inspired. =) But just to make myself do it, I'll give a boring recap of our week. Tuesday was a fun day...Kate and I went to visit some of our girlfriends that live in Dallas. We visited and let our kids play for just a few hours, which was way too short, but it was really fun. Thanks for taking me with you, Kate! It's always refreshing to spend time with Kelli and Holly. It's also always embarrassing when your child decides to push and shove your friends' kids playing at McDonalds. Oh, and let's not forget hair-pulling. That was a new one. Jonah has kept me busy working on a few things the last week or so....remembering manners, being kind to our friends, answering adults respectfully (which falls under the manners category I guess). This is just where we are right now...having to review some things....things like NOT HITTING YOUR FRIENDS! Ugh. I don't like having to reteach that one. I recognize that the disobedience I most detest seeing in my son is usually the kind that involves public embarrassment...the situations that really aim to crush my pride. It reveals so much about my heart when I realize that. I so don't want it to be about me. Ever. But so much of the time, it becomes about that. Something a few of us were talking about on Tuesday was the necessity of prayer in parenting. It is so simple. It should have been understood from the first day of being a mom. It shouldn't be so easy to forget about. But sadly, it is. I tend to react first, then pray later. Or control whatever behavioral-problem is daunting me before I really turn to the Lord. I want to turn to Him immediately, with no answers of my own, broken, ready to hear His solution. I know He's the Parenting Expert. No one else comes close. So why is it hard to remember to pray for wisdom in the moment of disciplining or correcting or teaching my child? It's one thing to set aside concentrated time to pray for my child's heart and development on a regular basis (not that I even do that superbly!) but an entirely different thing to always have the gut reaction of prayer whenever he tries something new on me. I wish my first response were to immediately pray. I've seen some of this compulsiveness in myself this week, and I know God is wanting to address some of these things and grow me in this area. And I just keep getting tested in it. I have definitely been more tired the last couple of weeks, and I see it affecting my patience level with my precious child. And I hate that. I need some beauty rest for my heart. I just don't want these last few months with just Jonah to be marked by an increase in how easily irritated I am. Really, most of it is just lack of enthusiasm on my part. A decrease in energy and desire for proactive parenting. Yuck. So I'm really starting to pray through a lot of that and seek what the Lord wants from me right now in terms of godly parenting during this temporary stage (pregnancy) of fatigue. And I know He'll help me. I just need to deal with all the heart issues involved for myself before I really attempt to shepherd my child's heart. Some of that process isn't all that fun. So that's been a big part of my week.

Yesterday, Jonah I went to the park to play. We took lunches, and Joel met us there during his lunch break. It was such a sweet family time. Joel is able to come home for lunch often, but we rarely go on an outing during that time so this was very special. There's a big amphitheater at the park we went to, so Jonah got on stage to "perform" for us, while Joel and I sat on the front row to cheer him on. I told Jonah to tell us some jokes or funny stories, and he proceeded to string together various comments about Jonah and the Whale, all the while pointing his finger at us emphatically. He then walked off, and Joel turned to me and said, "His first sermon!" Then we just died laughing. This little guy is SO FUNNY. Sometimes when he really shouldn't be. He's gotten in trouble before for responding to our correction by saying to us, "Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me like that." Which in my book is the equivalent of telling us to shut up, basically. So that never goes over very well! Yesterday, in the car, I told Jonah to stop doing something...spitting, I think, was the offense...and he quickly said, "I'm not going to tell you, 'Don't talk to me like that.' I'm not going to say that." He said this a few times. And lest you think this comment signaled growth in his choices, he said it with a definitive attitude. It was his way of saying it but getting an "out" in saying it because he was saying he wasn't going to say it. Make sense? He was outsmarting me big-time. I had no idea what to say in response. It was funny, but it wasn't. I just let it go though. And laughed about it in my head.

Today's big excitement was finding a great deal on a daybed at a garage sale. I had hoped to find a twin-size bed to go in Parker's room to help with accompanying guests since we no longer have an official guest room. But I hadn't gotten my hopes up very high because I didn't know if I would be able to afford it. I'd been at a standstill decorating her nursery because...oh guess what...decorating a room costs money. Hmm. Anyway, I didn't have a clue what to do in the room, and a lot of it depended on if I would find an affordable bed. Well, I feel like this bed was God's special gift to me today! He reserved it just for me. =) Seriously, I never thought I would find one at the first place I looked. It's a simple thing but a huge blessing. It is going to need some touch-up work, so I'll post before-and-after pictures when we get around to painting it.

Those are some of the highlights of the week. I left out the part about a painful spot at the top of my stomach that has been hurting me all week. Actually, it's been going on for a few weeks but has gotten worse this past week and started to alarm me. Then, I read about it on the internet. Still not sure if that's a good idea or not. It can really make you panic. But then, there are also times when it's informative and forces you to be more direct about your concerns with your doctor when he may otherwise be pretty laid-back about something. So I don't know what's best. Phone communication issues with a nurse's assistant this week left me feeling frustrated in conveying my concern, so I'm waiting until my next appointment on Monday to address it with him specifically. We'll see if it's something that warrants real concern. It probably isn't. Last Sunday, I had pretty much self-diagnosed a hernia! Now, I don't think that's it. I don't think it's anything serious. But here's my question....if all of the hernia information out there says that pregnancy is one of the top leading causes for hernias, then why don't any of the pregnancy books or resources talk about hernias in pregnancy?! It confuses me. But anyway...I'm way less dramatic about it than I was a week ago. I realize I don't have a medical degree, so I'm trying to be a little more relaxed about figuring out what's causing this pain. But I'm ready for my appointment on Monday, just to see what the doctor says it could be. This little girl does move around a whole lot. I thought Jonah was active in the womb. I really did. But Parker has him beat, big-time. She does not stop rolling and flipping and leaping. Yes, I believe she leaps. =) She is a busy girl in there. Not sure what's in store for me when she's actually outside of my uterus. We could have our hands full!

A Spontaneous Date

Jonah played very well by himself for the longest time this morning. I was busy getting stuff done around the house and was thankful that he was "letting" me, meaning not complaining about it. I had told him once when he asked me to read him a book that I couldn't right then. And he never asked again. Part of me was grateful and excited for his display of independence, but another part was a little heartbroken when I realized just how long he had sat there "reading" books to himself. He was so patiently waiting for me to be done. And it just hit me that he is easy like that most of the time...so much so that I could easily overlook opportunities to just spend intentional quality time together. We're always together. But I'm talking about not just being together and interacting while I'm getting something done. But doing things just for him and being completely focused on it. So I stopped what I was doing and read a couple of books to him...then we loaded up into the car and headed on a "surprise date." His excitement was so precious. He kept asking for hints as to where we were going, and he's said so many times since we've been back that that was a fun date! We spent some time at the kids' Wildlife Museum here, and it really was fun. I kept telling him how much I enjoy his company. I think I just needed to take a break from other duties and instead spend time helping him to know that I enjoy him. I wish I did that more often. I think I'm really bad at it because like I said, Jonah is pretty low-maintenance at home MOST days, in terms of not always requiring my attention every second. Because of that, I have to be very careful not to just waste our days. I know the nudge today had to have been from the Holy Spirit, and I'm hoping He sends more reminders as to how important that is to do. I need them! I can get so preoccupied with what needs to be done (not that I'm even getting that much done right now...I'm slow!) that I miss so much of him. And that makes me sad to think about. I realize that we rarely go anywhere that's just kid-oriented and for him if we're not meeting friends or going to our playgroup. And let's be honest...playdates are so much more for meeting Mommy's social needs than anything for Jonah! Although my friend Maureen says that if mommies are getting the emotional boost and social rejuvenation we need from spending time with our friends, then ultimately our kids benefit from it too! But still...it was a good reminder today to make sure we do some of those things when it's just him and me. It's just another way to communicate love to him, and I don't want to miss out on that...and I do for such silly reasons sometimes.

We do have a lot to get done this week as we're getting ready to go visit my brother's family at the end of this week. We have tons of stuff to pack, and we're going to be really limited in space, so packing for this trip might require more than my brain can handle right now. I don't know where I'm going to put anything! I'm also trying to stay on top of the housework this week as I will again be getting back from a trip with house guests having already arrived. So I have lots to get done this week! Joel says I'm nesting. I don't know really. "Nesting" seems to imply a certain level of productivity and efficiency in tasks around the house. I'm majorly lacking in that area. It's been a struggle lately to get things done in a timely manner. But I guess my desire to be at home and work here has had a recent surge. The nursery is starting to look somewhat like a nursery, but it is nowhere close to actually being baby-ready. I can't work on it when the rest of my house is disorganized, but I finally saw some progress in the time spent last week cleaning and organizing. I just have to maintain it for a week, and hope that the craziness of next week doesn't send me back to square one! Then, maybe I'll be able to come back and actually decorate Parker's room.

On Sunday, we went to visit our friends Stephen and Stephanie who just had their first baby....a little girl named Mayleigh. She's beautiful, and it was so fun watching Jonah around her. Y'all, he was so sweet to her! He remembered what we had told him beforehand about being respectful and not touching her skin without permission. He just sat by her, but once Stephen told him he could touch her hand, Jonah just sat beside her on the couch holding her hand for the longest time! It was precious. Made me so excited! And I think it was helpful for Jonah to be around a three-day old baby and realize that they're not born capable of getting into their big brother's collection of Hot Wheels! He's been most concerned about that. So I was relieved to see him understand that newborn babies don't really do anything. Should buy us some time in preparing for the day when Parker really will start messing with his stuff.