Lessons in Silence

I love to use this blog as a vehicle for sharing what Christ is doing in my life and what He is teaching me and how He is helping me to grow. I believe everyday events such as my children's developmental milestones and our daily activities can be an expression of God's glory and there is just as much purpose in sharing those kinds of things on the blog as there is in talking about the specific "Christian-related" things. (I use those quotes to denote my disbelief that there are realms of life that are unrelated to Christ. I don't believe that at all. He is of all and in all and through all, and the redemption offered to us via the cross is available and adequate to restore all of creation, not just souls.) While I believe that, I do enjoy talking about things specifically related to personal spirituality. I haven't done that in a while. And it's bothered me. I haven't felt like there's been much to share. Oh, I know God is at work. It's just that He's working in an entirely different way than He ever has before in my life. Or at least that I can remember. It's different. And I haven't been able to articulate one single thought to summarize what has been going on in my life spiritually the last couple of months. And I don't like that one bit. I'm not used to it, actually. Anyone who possesses any spiritual gifts in the realm of teaching or discernment or anyone who just experiences such things regularly or from time-to-time by the Spirit's help will know exactly what I am talking about. I'm not an expert on spiritual gifts, but for several years, I have really enjoyed studying them...the theory of them and then the beauty of how they actually work together in real church life. And here's one thing I've noticed: If you're a "teacher-type", then there's this little part of you (actually the Spirit inside of you) that can respond a little sooner to various circumstances or experiences with an understanding of truth. (Obviously, that happens when walking in the Spirit, not all the time.) But a teacher is likely to immediately look for application of truth. We want to know "the lesson" in something, and as soon as we know it, we want to share it with others. I happen to think God has specifically designed that particular spiritual gift to work in that way. We teacher-types get passionate about learning truth...even if we're going through something huge, one little truth to cling to and lay claim to is all we really need. We see how God is changing us and what He is doing in and around us, and that can really satisfy us. And then we find even greater satisfaction when we get to see that work passed on to someone else.

So, what happens when we don't exactly "see" it? When the reality of what He is doing can't be wrapped up in a cute little package of insightful, summarizing words and succinct paragraphs?? I so like it when the lesson comes in a cute little package and sometimes with an even cuter little bow on top. And I'm learning that it doesn't always happen that way. God has been so sweet and near to me the last few months, but I don't really have one clue where He's going with it all. Not one single insight into the lessons of truth He has for circumstances I've found myself in. My daily life is looking different than it did a few months ago...schedules and demands have changed, and I feel I am still in this adjustment period of trying to get in a new groove while not totally understanding what that new groove should even look like. It's been an interesting time. What a lot of mothers experience when they have their first baby, I am just now going through; I am so busy with everyday basic-parenting (not even spiritual training and those kinds of things, just meeting plain 'ol survival needs) and household responsibilities that I have felt the enemy trying to push me into questioning my effectiveness right now. In the past, my ministry has extended beyond my immediate family, and right now, God is having me focus a whole lot more on these three other people living in my home. While I don't believe God has us focus entirely on our husbands and children to the exclusion of loving others and playing our role in building up the Body of Christ, I definitely know that He sometimes leads us to focus much more of our time and energies on the needs of our families than at other times. He reserves the right to lead us to those seasons as He wishes. And I'm in one of those seasons now. And I don't resent it one bit. I love the opportunity to give of myself to my sweet babies and to focus on deepening and strengthening my relationship with my husband. I recognize that I am blessed to be given this time. But I can't say that I never let Satan have any success with such deceptions. There are some days that I let him discourage me about what I am not accomplishing outside of my home. Or inside of it. And what has made it easier to think like that has been this seeming silence from the Lord on the whys of some of the things He's taking me through right now.

While my journey with Him these last couple of months has taken me through battles with insecurity and misidentity, pain of rejection and disappointment, I don't have this nice little understanding of what He's doing exactly or what all He wants to show me. The journey with Him has been rich, but I can't tell you how He might use it. Does anyone else really like knowing how God is going to "use" some experience of yours (especially the difficult ones) in perhaps someone else's life?? We can be so comforted by that. And that's not an entirely bad thing, as 2 Cor 1 suggests. It's just that sometimes I think God just wants me to learn quiet trust. Instead of wanting me to breeze through circumstances, He's asking me this summer to just sit in them a while. Sit a little longer. Sit as long as it takes for God to complete His work. And I admit, that's hard for me. I tend to look at my circumstances and experiences with a perspective that says, "Ok, God. Got that lesson. Checked it off the list. Let's move on to the next thing please." And right now, we're not moving on. I can get pretty restless in that place. I think He has lots to teach me during this season of life when activities have changed and my ministry is in the realm of what seems more mundane. And I just have to keep sitting in it until HE is ready to make things clearer. And so I sit, continuing to work through these issues of identity and purpose and contentment as I walk through (or run, trying to catch up) each day of loving on my family. Just trusting that things will be good on the other side even if I don't know what they'll be and knowing that in the midst of unclear vision presently, things are still good.

This all just makes me wonder about what my motives can so easily become. Is it that my excitement about spiritual growth and the Christian life flows mostly from what I see God doing or rather from who I trust Him to be when I cannot see what He is doing? I think joy will only be the reality when my focus is on experiencing His presence more than the lessons. When I realize that a real live journey with a real live God looks more like Him leading me through a dance (in which I don't always know the next step until we take it) than a cookie-cutter expectation of what He's going to show me and when.

What I appreciate so much about the Lord right now is that even though many of His revelations about things occur on His timetable and not always on mine, He still is a God who delights in revealing Himself. When He withholds "lessons" for a time, He does not withhold Himself. Love Him for that.