Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Better Days

Things are starting to get a little better, and we're getting back into a somewhat normal routine. Life has still been a very hard journey lately, but I am thankful for how sweet the Lord has been to me, especially through His Word. I have found that I must keep my face in it as much as possible, in order to be able to get through this. My greatest desire right now is that I live with that kind of desperation for His Word ALL of the time, not just in times like these. I really am a person who loves and enjoys personal Bible study very much, but have I been desperate for it? At times, but I definitely can't say even most of the time. I want that though. I believe it's a good place to be. Only when I am absolutely starving for His presence does He really give it to me. I had read so many things lately about how God always revealed Himself more personally to those characters in the Bible that really, desperately wanted to know Him....the louder they cried for Him, the more He "showed up" in their lives. So God is giving me an opportunity right now to really experience that for myself. When I am hungry for Him is when I actually get fed and fulfilled. Hunger is a hard thing, but it is a good thing and the only thing that can lead to real fulfillment and contentment, when it is a true hunger for God. I really want to learn from Him through this, and it can certainly be an intense battle to focus my mind on truth instead of just swimming in my emotion. I'm trusting Him to help me do that.

I love my church - there are so many lay people in this church who really use their gifts and are doing so much ministry, so there aren't many needs that go unmet, I'm seeing. Church is so beautiful when it works that way. Because of there being some wonderful people committed to providing ministries that meet any need I can think of, a support group for people who have lost babies has been going on for the past six years. I am planning to go to that. I've been in touch with some people who work with that ministry, Glory Babies, and I think it will be a really good thing to be able to grieve with others who have been through the same thing. They meet monthly, so the first meeting I will be attending will be in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to that. I know it will be hard, but I truly believe it will be a good thing, and I don't want to miss what encouragement and healing God has in store for me there.

The warmer weather this week has been such a gift. It has allowed me and Jonah to get out more and do some fun outdoor things. These are pictures of us at the park yesterday where he played on a big, vintage firetruck and at the zoo this morning where he had all kinds of fun. He is such a joy, I wish I could explain what he does for my heart. When I tell him I love him, he's started this week to tell me he loves me back. It has made my week. The words "wuv ooh" are the most precious words I've ever heard! I'm seeing all kinds of new things about his personality....he is such an observer. He notices EVERYTHING, and he comments on everything he sees. He's talking's started to make for some embarrassing moments in public! But so fun. His memory is really amazing me. We'll drive by some place that we haven't been to in months, and he'll recall something about it. It's started to freak me out a little bit. He always shouts out "pizza!" (which is his favorite food, by the way - like his mama) when we pass by Mazzios; he recognizes places now and connects memories to them. Today we passed by another pizza place that we have never been to, and he shouted out "pizza!" It was freaky, I screamed, "can you read?! who are you, child?" I guess he's just started to recognize that word from the mazzios sign. Crazy stuff. At the zoo today, he was so delighted by the penguins....he laughed his head off at the one swimming; everyone there was laughing at him for being so tickled by it. I guess it's one more way he's like his mother....if you don't know, I have a weird little fascination with penguins. It all started with this one King of Queens episode, long story. But they have always made me laugh, so I was proud today when Jonah showed the same love for these entertaining little waddling guys. He was also having fun at the petting zoo part, not scared at all, which sort of surprised me. He is at such a fun age. He's still really into people - today at the zoo when we passed by some other kids we didn't know, he reached out for them, saying, "friends! friends!" It was so sweet. He makes friends wherever we go. Yesterday, he had a whole conversation with the bag boy at the grocery store and today with the man in line behind us at Starbucks. I hope I'll know when the time comes to talk about strangers. Right now, it's cute. One day, it will probably be dangerous! I am so in love with my little guy, I guess I could talk about him all day long. But I'll stop now.

I'll talk about my other man! My superhero husband took time off work last week and whisked me off to Dallas and got a hotel for us. It was great to spend some time with each other. The week before, when I lost the baby, he was out of town most of the week, so it was a huge blessing to just be with him. We ate good food and shopped our little hearts out. (There's no therapy like Banana Republic, IKEA, and Pottery Barn!) It was such a special time for us, and I'm so thankful Joel did that for me. God used that time away in a big way to give me His peace and more of His perspective on this whole loss.

One more thing to praise God for....I had a scare last Thursday and ended up in the ER when I lost massive amounts of blood/tissue in a very short period of time. The ER doc first told me he thought it was a simultaneous pregnancy in my tube (since I had severe pain on one side) and that I was suffering the loss of an ectopic pregnancy. I wish he'd never said that! My doctor called the next day to assure me that that wasn't the case and he was sorry that was ever mentioned to me. They just told me at the ER that my uterus was just shrinking back and had to get rid of extra tissue...that was their final diagnosis, but my doctor told me that wasn't normal, he'd never seen it in all of his years of practice, and the D&C went smoothly and should have taken care of all of the tissue. So there you go, I'm just the exception. He did say there was a good chance I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. That makes sense, because I had one in high school, so that could be it. It was a difficult ordeal to find the physical effects of this loss lingering on longer than expected - it brings back a lot of emotional stuff, but it wasn't as bad emotionally as I thought. That must be due to people's prayers. But I am a very thankful girl that everything is ok and nothing was seriously wrong. It scared me, that's for sure - the episode was one of the weirdest experiences of my life. So I'm very grateful, and I feel fine now physically.

Thanks again to everyone for the prayers and encouraging words you have sent.


Melody Slaton said...

Jonah is growing up so fast. He looks like a cute little man. I bet it just makes you melt to hear him say "I wuv you".